There's a part of me that wants to write an email

 

Today, I arranged to meet someone (as a friend, not a date) in the area that my ex girlfriend lives.  We decided to go for a walk on the nearby rail trail, and I'm hoping it's cool enough for me to be walking in Marian mode.

If things had worked in the way we could have stayed friends, I'd have found a way to stop by and say hello to the ex. But this did not happen.  Instead, there's a part of me that thought I could twist the knife a little and tell her that I was in the area and not wanting to bother with someone who was no longer a friend.  However, I thought better of it - why bother dealing with someone whose memory no longer has any value to you?

Thinking a little bit more, I would have a big laugh if we were to encounter my ex on the rail trail.  Of course, I'd have to ask my new friend to play it up a little - as I would want for her to see that someone in better shape than she is could find a transgender person like me interesting enough to date.

What do you think of this?

 

This could have been interesting

I figured that my readers might enjoy the above picture.  In the end, I think this is all I was to my ex.  She'd vehemently disagree. But when it took 5 years to shit or get off the pot, she finally did the latter - something that hurt at the time, but is proving to be a benefit over time.

- - - - - -



This weekend, I was on the wait list for a meetup being held at a venue halfway between my house and my ex's house.  The morning of the meetup, I got a message, asking if I wanted to be taken off the wait list and to go to the meetup - and I said yes.  Could you imagine what would have happened if there were two openings and my ex had also said yes?  She would have hated seeing me as Marian - but that would have been her problem, not mine.


At the meetup, I'll focus on two people I met - the organizer of the music meetup and the organized of the dining meetup who blocked me from her meetup.  With the former, she noticed that my ex bails when I will be in the same place.  With the latter, I was polite and cordial.  She sided with her friend - why should I be bothered by that?  But there is still a minor sting from being excluded.  I can only imagine how my ex feels, as she no longer feels comfortable in a place when I'm around as Marian.

Sooner or later, our paths will cross.  I don't know where or when.  But in many ways, neither of us will be totally free until we meet - with me as Marian, and not as Mario.  She does her damnedest to avoid seeing me as Marian, and denies herself pleasure by doing so.  I am grateful that FL (see earlier posts) is more than willing to get together with me in feminine presentation to join me when going to meetups.

- - - - - -

Once the census ends, I'll take advantage of my position as an co-organizer of a meetup group to set up a trip to Innisfree Gardens.  Hopefully, it'll still be open for visitors in early October and that it will be worth visiting then.  It'll be nice to see FL put her money where her mouth is, and see if she can be comfortable with me both as Mario and as Marian.

There is an advantage in dating someone who asks questions to find out about you.  There is an even bigger advantage to date someone whose divorce is long over, and is not in a position to treat you as a transitional relationship.  I feel that the underlying failure of my prior relationship is that I was more of a place holder for my ex, someone to keep her company until her divorce became final.  Once it was final, my transgender nature became a liability to her, and my presence in her life was no longer of value to her. Such is life.

My big question is why does FL seem to be chomping at the bit to have an "instant relationship"?  FH seems to be taking forever, but that's because we had to start things out slowly.  In a normal situation, I might have already bedded one of these women.  But it's just as well this has not happened.  I am not in a hurry to have someone sharing my bed yet.

It'll be sad when the census ends

 

This has been the first real job that Ive been able to work as Marian.  And sadly, it will soon end.  Whether it ends at the end of September, as the Trump administration wants, or at the end of October as originally scheduled, it doesn't matter - this gig will soon end.

I took this job knowing that it was a short term gig.  It paid well. But there is nothing much left for me to do except pack up my belongings and take my leave.  Yet, I've made a few friends here, and I hope to get together with them in the future.

Sometimes you swing for the fences, and sometimes you play small ball....

The above picture was taken about 7-8 years ago, when minor league ball was being played.  I was dating a woman from Staten Island, and we had bargain tickets to see the "Baby Bombers" play at home.  Those were simpler times, and the eventual break with this woman didn't hit me as hard as that in my most recent relationship.

- - - - - -

Why, you might ask, am I referencing a relationship that ended 7 years ago?  Well, the Baseball analogy seems to fit with this picture.  When dating, one either has to go for the Thunderbolt of attraction.  Or, one has to go for "something" that grows over time.  I tend to make the latter choice, as I am too slow to deal with a Thunderbolt if it were to strike me.  And that is just as well.

In my last post, I mentioned 3 ladies: FL, MB, and FH.  I thought MB was no longer interested when she dropped out of sight.  Instead, I'd bet that one of two things happened: (1) MB had a date with someone more promising, or (2) MB got herself into a funk and was not in a good position to date.  However, I touched base the other day, and she responded this afternoon.  We exchanged a series of messages, and it looks like I'll be in a good position to see her again.  FH asked me to help her buy an air conditioner for her daughter's room, and I'll be seeing the daughter when I lug the machine into her apartment. This leaves FL. Yesterday (as I write this), I went on a date with her, and we spent a good part of the evening in each other's arms, talking on a park bench in Tarrytown after a nice riverfront dinner. Over dinner, FL mentioned that in a way, I am the best of both worlds: Someone who could be both a boyfriend and a girlfriend.  When I mentioned that I was thinking of leading a meetup to Innisfree Garden in Dutchess County, FL said she'd be interested in going with me.  I let her know that I'd be going as Marian, and she said she understood that. YAY!  But I now have a dilemma.  Is it time to start getting more intimate?

- - - - - -

I feel obligated to mention XGFJ in passing.  When we were fighting over meetups, I know I played my hand way too hard and I lost access to the one functioning dinner group in the Hudson Valley because of my ex.  However, I have access to the music group, and have effectively blocked her out because of her hatred of me as Marian.  The other day, I came off the wait list for a meetup, and she a couple of days later.  When she saw me as an attendee, she bailed, saying that she had made other plans.  I guess that as long as I am an active member in the music group, my ex will stay away.  I feel sorry for her.  She won't be free until she is able to see me again as Marian and confront her fears directly.  But that's not my concern - I have to make a decision on which one of the three ladies I've dated is worth gambling on, and if not, do I want to try for someone else?

- - - - - -

Over the past 8 months, I've been able to save a reasonable amount of money by working at the census bureau.  I have postponed taking time off from work for two reasons: (1) I want to save up as much money as I can while the census is willing to pay me to work, and (2) The pandemic has severely limited the number of places I can travel to without having to quarantine myself upon return. Recently, higher-ups in Washington have directed the census to stop counting people a month earlier than planned, as POTUS feels that the GOP will benefit from an under count in the urban (Blue) states. Today (as I write this), a judge has issued an order to temporarily stop preparations to end the census on September 30th, and continue with the "original" (pandemic adjusted) end date of October 31st.  If the October 31 date holds, I will likely save an extra month's salary (after expenses) and be better prepared for a time where I'm not working.

- - - - - -

And this brings me back to baseball.  Sooner or later, I have to choose which direction I want to go in my life and what I want to do when I get there.  Do I swing for the fences and go for a relationship where I can live as Marian 24x7?  Or, do I play "small ball" and take my gains when I can, but risking little in the process?  I tried the latter in my last relationship, and it didn't work out.  But maybe I can do a little better this time around. 

It looks like things are sorting themselves out

For the most part, time is passing and things are happening slowly.  Until the pandemic ends, I'm trusting that the slow march of time will help things change for the better.

- - - - - -

Recently, I mentioned 3 women I've dated: FH, MB, and FL.  It looks like things are slowly sorting themselves out.  I'd have liked MB to have been one of the last two to choose from.  But she has her issues, and I think she wants someone more physically active than me.  FH is a good person, but I'm finding that we may not have enough in common to keep up a lasting relationship.  Couple this with her location and other things I won't talk about now, and she might have to be dropped from my list.  And then there is FL.  Unlike my previous relationship, she did her research up front.  So, she's the one that may be at the top of my list.  

- - - - - -

One of the problems I've had recently is that I have no idea of when my work at the census will end. Well, I'm now sure that this part of my life will end towards the end of the month, and I'll be both sad and happy to see it go.  Sadness will be present, as I'll miss seeing familiar faces on a daily basis.  Happiness will also be there, as I've been paid to take up space as recruitment wound down.  As you'd expect, they had no way or desire to move me to an area where I'd have work to do while the place winds down.  So I spent much of my time surfing the web and reading books.

- - - - - -

As I've mentioned before, my niece is waiting for a resident visa to be issued, so that she could move to Britain and be with her fiancee.  The other day, I read that the USA and UK are working on a transit bridge between New York (and its low COVID infection rate) and London (to help with post-Brexit trade).  My niece may be one of the beneficiaries of this development if it comes off.

- - - - - -

Going out en-femme has become such a normal part of my life that I don't write much about it anymore.  Yet, there are still things I can say about it.  For example, I sent off a copy of my resume to a woman whose husband runs a business in lower county.  If she likes what she sees, it might be an opening to work another job en-femme.  This time, I'll make sure that only the owner (and his HR designee) knows of my legal identity.  This might be a great segue for me when the census job ends.

What I miss most about the "Old Normal"

With a title like the one above, one might think I was talking about having a girlfriend.  But you'd be wrong.  I realize that I don't miss my ex.  Instead, I miss being able to have closure in a dispute we were having.  She's not worth space in my head, and the memories I have being with her are not worth the time I spent with her.  

However, the above doesn't mention what I miss most about the "Old Normal".  If you were to ask me what I miss most, it would be the ability to be in places where people congregate and to be social. I miss the ability for my acquaintances to hold dinner meetups in local restaurants. I miss meetups where a small group of friends would play board games all night.  I miss being able to go into New York City to go to the theater.  And I miss being able to take vacations wherever I want to go.

A good part of my social life revolved around meetup groups.  I wouldn't think twice of going to more than one dinner meetup group per week if my schedule permitted.  Of course, I had a regular Thursday appointment in Yonkers to play games after work.  These groups helped me refine my feminine presentation and expression.

Although I can go to New York and visit museums today (they are allowed to open at 25% capacity), I am not comfortable using mass transit in the city.  So if I want to go to the Metropolitan Museum of Art (The Met), I'll have to drive into Manhattan and try to find parking there.  This is something I don't like doing.  But I'll do this to have an enjoyable date with one woman.  However, I will miss being able to visit some of my favorite restaurants in Manhattan when I do this.

Most of all, I miss being able to travel where and when I want.  The pandemic has gotten in the way of that.  Cruising is out for the foreseeable future, and I feel I am limited to travel in the Northeast.  This wouldn't be so bad, but I want to get some sun and be able to wear my swimsuit again.  The Hawaii cruise I wanted to take is likely to be cancelled, and it is getting priced too high to bother taking.  Instead, I am now looking at a cruise scheduled for late next year, and am hoping to book that cruise before prices start to spike irrationally.

There are 4 words that I try to focus on when the "New Normal" gets me down....

"This Too Shall Pass."

And I know it will....

Miscellaneous items of note for August 2020

When I started blogging, I used to have a girlfriend.  Since I broke up with the most recent ex, it has been the longest period I spent without a "significant other" since my late wife passed away.  With the loss of two people I counted on in my life, I found that I was lucky to be able to date as a male - as bad as my cravings were to find someone new, it is much harder for the average female.  

Now that the pandemic has eased off for a while in the NYC Suburbs, I've been able to date several women, with three of them being on my short list.  Of those three, I have a strong feeling which one I'll end up with - and I'm hoping that this time, I don't make the same mistakes I made in my last relationship.

- - - - - -

As I've mentioned here, I've been working at the census since January.  Soon, this job will end, and I'll be looking for another job to tide me over to final retirement.  I'm not sure if I'll be able to find it working as Marian or as Mario.  But I'd like to be able to keep working as Marian, even though I'll have to spend more time and money maintaining my feminine appearance.  

Recently, I stumbled into someone who believes me to be female, and suggested that I apply for work at the firm her husband runs.  If I were to get hired, he'd have to know that I am transgender, and would also have to keep this a secret from the other staff.  (I don't mind people knowing about me.  I just want to control how the message is delivered.)  Yet, it would be very interesting to find work in private industry as a non-op transgender woman.

- - - - - -

If all goes right, my niece will soon have her visa and will be able to fly to Great Britain to start her life with her fiancee.  Both she and my brother will need to spend 14 days in quarantine before the wedding.  And I expect that this will be one of the happiest days of her life.  Too bad that this part of her life will start in a way furthest from her dreams.

- - - - - -

The other day, I received a message from one woman on a dating site.  (She responded to my ad, with me in feminine presentation.)  She said I was a hell of a person based on my profile, and wanted to meet me as a friend.  (She had just started dating someone new.)  I figure that I will meet her and develop a friendship.  If I stay in the friendship zone (as I expect), I'd ask her to just introduce me as Marian to her beau, and not mention my biological gender.

 

 

And soon, I must make a hard decision....

My current dating situation reminds me of some advice given by Julius Henry (Groucho) Marx. He advised a young man that: (1) He should find a woman who knows how to cook, (2) He should find a woman who will care for you when you are sick, (3) He should find a woman who will laugh at his jokes, and (4) He should find a woman who is good in bed.  But lastly, Groucho advised: He should never let these women meet.  Given the juggling I've been doing over the last few weeks, I feel like the man to whom Groucho gave his sage advice.

Let's call the 3 ladies I've been dating, FH, MB, and FL.  If one of these ladies ends up being a long term "girlfriend", I'll assign a new name for ease of reference.  FH lives on Long Island, and doesn't drive.  MB lives in the Hudson Valley, has seen me as Marian, but I've only met her twice.  FL lives in New Jersey, knows about my feminine side, has seen me twice, and is already interested in spending a weekend together.  All 3 of these ladies might be good choices for me, but each one has some unknowns that could derail a relationship. Things have come to a decision point with one of them, and I have to figure out whether I want to move forward with this relationship, or take a pass and bet on one of the other 2 working out.

One advantage that my most recent round of dating has had for me, is that it has helped me finally heal from the wreckage of my last relationship.  During the worst of the pandemic, my ex blocked me from accessing one of the few groups meeting virtually that would transition to in person meetups later in the year.  Of course, she couldn't deal with my existence as Marian, and grew to hate this side of me over the last year we were together.  So she did her damnedest to blackball me from one group, but she wasn't able to blackball me from the other.  In the end, we wound up in the same place had we negotiated a settlement between us, but with much more anger along the way.  

Of the women I've dated recently, FH is someone I like.  But I'm not sure if we share enough chemistry to move forward. We like each other, but I think the habits formed during the first days of "pandemic dating" may yet get the better of us.  MB already accepts me as Marian, and has yet to see me as Mario.  What will she think?  What would it be like if we were to get intimate?  Would she mind if I were the one to wear the silky nightgowns?  And then, that leaves us with FL.  She likes this area where I live.  Yet, I think she might want to live closer to her family in New Jersey.  Could we find a happy middle ground?

So many questions.....

Where can a zaftig woman shop now?

It's sad to see a store chain die - especially when it is one that you depended on for clothing that fits.  In my case, it was Catherine's, a brand of the Ascena Group.  This firm also owns the Lane Bryant chain, and will be keeping many of their stores open.  Unfortunately, there will be no Lane Bryant stores near me, nor will there be any stores left that cater to the larger, plus size woman.

Over the years, shopping has migrated to the internet.  For many, this has been a good thing.  But I've yet to believe that this is the case with women's clothing lines.  There is little standardization in sizes, and one firm's size 2X could be another firm's size 5X.  This is one of the many reasons why I didn't like a former friend buying clothes for me.  Not only did this former friend's taste differ from mine in important ways, but she didn't know how to make sure something would fit me (or look good on me) once it was given to me.  Her heart was in the right place for the most part, but she didn't understand that I didn't want to get caught up in needless gift giving - her friendship was the gift I valued most, not the goods she gave me.  Since this woman is no longer a friend, I have the memories of the friendship and some of the little gifts I found use for.

In the past, I never thought twice of making a run to The Avenue in Newburgh, Catherine's in Paramus, or any one of the many Lane Bryant stores.  By the time you read this post, The Avenue will have been gone for almost a year, all Catherine's stores will be closed, and only a handful of Lane Bryant stores will be left open.  Even so, it was a shock to see the Lane Bryant in the Palisades Park Mall in West Nyack devoid of 90% of its merchandise.  I thought that was going to be one of the few stores that would have survived.  But with internet shopping the way it is, and the Pandemic hurting Mall sales, I shouldn't have been surprised to see this store being closed.

Luckily, I get a lot of paper catalogs from "successful" online sales outlets such as Woman Within and Ulla Popken.  However, once I lose weight, I'll probably internet order the plus size offerings from Talbot's and JJill.  Eventually, if I get to a size 18 and stabilize at that figure, I'll probably invest in a few Eileen Fisher outfits.  But that won't be for a couple of years....

An interesting end to a week....

This past week, I had the pleasure of being able to get up late from Monday to Thursday, having been scheduled to work evening shift these days. Yes, I was able to watch my Perry Mason reruns, as well as a little bit of Morning Joe when I was awake by 8 am. But this is an aside to what my week was like.

- - - - - -

The week opened up with me having a discussion to the woman in Queens that I've had several dates with. We cleared up some things, and agreed to get together over the weekend for a sort of field trip to Eastern Long Island for the day. Next, I found out that the woman I dated from the Hudson Valley in Marian Mode wasn't available to lunch during the week, so we agreed to get together next week to do something. However, I found that she took her profile down from OK Cupid. Did she find someone special yet? (After two dates, I can't say it was me.) So we'll see when I am contact with her next. And then there is the woman from New Jersey that I dated for the first time last week. We have been chatting online on and off, and we scheduled a date for Saturday evening. This will give me just enough time to change into Mario Mode and relax a little before driving to the restaurant to meet her.

There was a diminished amount of work for me to do at the office. Will I be renewed for another 8 weeks? I'll let you know when I find out next week. Since I'm on the schedule for the whole week, I'm assuming this is the case. However, working in the evening has interfered with my ability to be on zoom meetups with my friends from Texas. Luckily, I am able to do this for a half hour on Tuesdays and Thursdays when things are slow at the office - I go out for my "lunch" and get on to the zoom meetup using my cell phone.

My original work schedule request for the week had me working evenings, so that I could take TCL to the clinic for an outpatient procedure. Unfortunately, this procedure couldn't be done at the clinic (I won't do into any details here - TCL deserves her privacy). So, I'll be taking her to the hospital for a different procedure to accomplish the same goals in September. Hopefully, this time, the doctors will be more successful than in the past.

After a quick lunch with TCL at the local Panera Bread, it was off to New Paltz for a meetup with the Live Music group. Traffic was much worse than usual (even for a Friday), and taking side roads didn't help much. In fact, my car started to overheat because of the hard driving I was doing, so I stopped off along the way to give the car a chance to cool down. (It's time that I consider buying a new car.) Eventually, I made it to the meetup, and I was 90% of the way to my ex-girlfriend's house. If I had known the place was this far out of New Paltz, I'd have skipped the meetup, as it was in the woods. And even with bug spray, I was getting eaten by the bugs - something I've always hated when hiking or spending time in the woods

While chatting with the gals in the meetup, I started to sign up for other meetups being held by this group. Although there was no conflict, I noticed that my ex signed up for events after I did. I won't say anything to her. But if she comes when I'm there, I'll note that she has her dinner group, and I now have this group. If she wants to attend while I'm there, she'll have to accept me in Marian mode. Otherwise, she can stay in her group and leave me alone. (Now, to figure out what to say if we're in the same place at the same time.) I only wonder what things will be like when the weather gets cooler. Her group will likely have zoom meetups, and this one won't. At least, I now have some ways of being in contact with people during a lock down.

It's easy to see that I haven't taken the time to straighten up my apartment. Not being able to lead a full social life has caused me to be a little depressed. And the state of my apartment reflects this. Sooner or later, I'll finally get around to cleaning up the apartment. Then, and only then, can I start things up with my cleaning lady again. I look forward to that....

- - - - - -


PS: I told the woman from New Jersey about my bi-gendered life, and she didn't run away. Instead, she did her research, and still wants to see me. There is hope yet.


PPS: The woman from the Mid Hudson region is still interested, but she is awaiting the results of a COVID test.

Sometimes, I find people amazing. Today was one of these days.

Without mentioning names, someone from my past called me today.  No, it was not an ex of any type.  Instead, it was someone who dropped out of contact for reasons connected to exes of one sort or another.

Chatting with this acquaintance reminded me of why I found chatting with this person to be awkward.  This person is not that sensitive to social cues, and one has to perform abrupt conversational breaks to get words in edgewise.  But I wonder why this person came out of the woodwork now.  And I have my guesses that I won't publish here.

- - - - - -

I got to exchange messages with the 3 women I've dated recently.  Let's call them #1, #2, and #3 for now.  I've dated #1 several times, and she has commented on my lack of PDA.  Thinking back, I don't remember seeing my dad hold my mom's hand, and I think that's where I get part of my awkward style with women. There is one potential show stopper - she doesn't drive, and would need to use mass transit to reach me. I've dated #2 twice, and it looks like we'll get together again next week.  This is the woman who has met me while I'm presenting as female.  She's a decent woman, and I haven't detected any show stoppers - save that she has had dental problems.  Lastly, I dated #3 once, and she would normally have the most promise in a world where I were not transgender. She's pretty goal oriented in dating me (for lack of a better expression) and I think she might be OK when finding out about my nature.

- - - - - -

This week, I've been going to work in the evening, taking Friday off to take TCL to the hospital for a minor procedure.  While at work, I had the chance to chat with one of my coworkers, and she mentioned the possibility of working from home with the folks from her primary job.  Would I be interested?  Probably.  But it's all a matter of how much work I want to do.  And therein lies the question - how much work do I really want to do?

While at the office, I decided to take a break and go outside to connect with my friends in Texas.  I haven't been able to participate in the Zoom meetup for a while, and figured that things were slow enough to spend 15 minutes chatting with the group.  And, of course, I was in rare form.  Too bad that one woman I dated could never see this side of me bloom.

I figure that my current publishing schedule works for me right now.  No longer do I need to rush to the computer to write my daily posts - I know that my most recent ex was a little peeved at me spending as much time as I did near a computer.  And I'll bet that whoever is next in my life will want to be a little more touchy-feely than I was in my prior relationships.  (This is one of woman #1's complaints she voiced to me this morning.)  So, cutting back on blog posts may be an inexpensive part of the price I have to pay to have a better relationship than I had for the past few years.

- - - - - -

As much as I find people strange, I accept most people for what they are - flawed, and a little insane - just like me.  I miss a few of the people who have passed through my life. But I don't miss the "Sturm und Drang" that I had to deal with to get to this point in life. 

It seems a little strange

It's funny how things have changed in the past few years....  The other day, I had plans to meet a woman for a date. Normally, this would not be an issue for me.  However, I was so comfortable in the casual female outfit I was wearing that I didn't want to change into male mode for this date.  What does this say about who and what I am becoming?  Although I finally changed into a pumpkin and went on the date, there was a part of me that missed being able to stay in my female presentation.  After spending Monday through Thursday working in female mode, it became hard for me to change into male mode - something I used to do much more often than I do now. 

- - - - - -

Recently, I received a message from the host of our Thursday night gaming group.  The family misses our weekly gaming sessions, and would like to host another outdoor session.  Hopefully, the weather will be good enough for a comfortable get together.  It will be nice to see everyone again.  I just wonder - what will winter be like?  Will they be comfortable having the usual gang in their house?  Or, will they play it safe and wait until there is a vaccine for the virus? 

Thinking about the gaming group, I'll soon be seeing one of the ladies from the group for lunch.  I have to treat this person with kid gloves, as I need to be sure if her intentions are friendship or something else.  I will entertain both options, but play the passive recipient of interest - showing my interest, but in a way that she has to initiate the next step forward.

- - - - - -

So far, none of the groups I'm really interested in (save Thursday night gaming) has had an in person meeting, other than the Live Music group.  And this group has several more meetings scheduled during the Summer - until the colder weather sets in.  Until then, I am registered for several meetups, while the ex girlfriend has stayed in her group for the most part.  And this suits me fine.  Sooner or later, our paths will cross and I will treat her civilly - as if I were meeting a total stranger.  (Actually, I'd be more friendly to the total stranger, as I'd have the possibility of making a new friend.  With the ex, I just want her out of my way so that she doesn't interfere with me participating in any other social activities.)

- - - - - -

WDJ came out of the woodwork a little, sending me this message a little over a week ago:

I'm going out today, need to shower, shampoo, get dressed etc & leave early so my time is limited. BUT if you give me a ph # where I can call you, I can talk a little bit-no gossip, just some straight up convo.
I wonder what's going on with her.  She has my phone number, so what does she want to talk about?  I know that she is now Facebook friends with the ex, so I wonder....

- - - - - -

Right now, I have 3, maybe 4, dating irons in the fire and I'll have to let some go soon.  The woman from Long Island is nice, but I'm not sure if there is enough chemistry there to make things work.  The woman I have seen twice in Marian Mode is nice, but I don't yet know enough about her to know what her baggage is.  And then, the woman I saw this Thursday is nice, has a similar set of goals as I do.  But can she accept me as Marian as well as Mario?  Of course, I should not forget the possibility of the woman from my gaming meetup - is she interested in me as more than a friend?  

- - - - - -

Given what 2020 has been like so far, I'd like to turn the clock back a few years and do a reset.  I spent too much time with someone who couldn't accept me for who I am.  I looked for work that I wasn't that interested (or qualified) in doing. And, I talked too much about someone else's life in my blogs.  I'd bet if I had made a few different decisions, I'd have been in a better place when 2020 came along.  Since there is no such thing as a working time machine, I guess I'll have to learn from my mistakes and prepare to make new and different ones....

Scheduling My Life

Most of my life these days depends on a schedule I make online.  I use one color for my events which I must attend as Mario, and one color for my events that I must attend as Marian.  And I've considered using a third color for events I can attend in either mode.  Things are complicated, but not as much so as when I was working full time as Mario.

- - - - - -

Over the years, I have met other transgender people (like Fran) that while living lives split between male and female presentations, they have had an almost impossible time keeping their male and female lives separate.  Living as one gender made things many times easier, as in the case of Fran, when she finally chose to be "out" to the world.

I am not yet at that stage, and I might not ever get there due to the priorities in my life.  I'd rather have a romantic relationship which limits my ability to live life fully in my preferred gender than to live as Marian 24x7. (Too bad my most recent relationship didn't understand this.)  Not many people want to be alone towards the end of their days.  And when that time comes for me, I hope I will have someone by my side.  But if I don't, I intend to live my life "My Way" and not how others think I should live it.

- - - - - -

Right now, I'm trying to live as much of my life as possible as Marian. I am making a choice to go to work as Marian while at the Census Bureau, so that I can have as much of my life in a female presentation as possible.  I do not have to rush home after work on a weeknight to strip off my male clothes, apply my makeup, put on a dress and jewelry, and rush out the door to my next destination.  I'd only have to be in a male presentation to see my doctor, and then I'd be close enough to work to change into female presentation for a half day as Marian. And in the opposite direction, I could strip off my female presentation, get dressed as a male, then out the door to see whoever I need to see in that mode.  But most of the days, I would not have to be "half and half".

Unlike Fran, I don't want to get caught being in one mode when expected to be in another mode.  So I have to schedule my life to require the minimum number of intra-day presentation changes as possible  And for now, I think I can do this without much trouble.  But anything can change - it all depends on the demands of my schedule....

"Dating" as Marian.

This weekend, I met a woman who responded to my "Marian Mode" personal ad.  Not half as many women bother to contact me, as most are put off by the idea of a gender non-conforming mate.  Given our culture, I can't blame them - we put way too much emphasis on what a person wears, and not enough emphasis on what the person is inside.

- - - - - -

It's not easy being a single person who prefers to appear as that of the gender one prefers to date.  If my wife had lived, I can only imagine what she would have thought had she seen me in a dress.  Sadly, I wasted 5 years on one girlfriend because of this.  But I was lucky when I told one woman on our second date, that she knew she couldn't deal with it - and we parted as friends.

This new woman has seen a little bit of everything, and is a transplanted New Yorker who just happens to enjoy life in the Hudson Valley - as I do.  However, I know not to count my chickens before they hatch - there are many other reasons why this woman may not find me appropriate dating material.  Luckily, my clothing preference wouldn't be an issue with her.

The big question always becomes - how do I break this secret to a woman when she starts to find me interesting enough to see several times?  In the case of one woman, several women said that I was the better dresser, and maybe a little prettier as well.  Although I could not agree with the latter part of that statement, I can only imagine what this woman would feel seeing me as Marian.

A few weeks ago, I dated another woman who couldn't deal with having a bi-gendered person as a partner.  Since she had issues that would take her off of my "dateable" list, we became  friends and have seen each other several times since then.  Women can deal with a transgendered friend much more than they can deal with that same person (even in the mode they prefer) as a partner.  I guess this is where female identity is weakest - they can't imagine why any "man" would ever want to be a woman.  And if they can do so, they feel very uncomfortable partnering with someone who feels this way. 

Sadly, people like me are "Neither fish nor fowl."  But that's OK with me.  It takes a special type of confidence to partner with a person like me, and a partner who can do so is worth more than her weight in gold and diamonds.

Vacation planning is a pain this year.

I love New England and Atlantic Canada for vacation visits.  Sadly, Canada is closed off until America gets the virus under control.  As long as Trump is in power AND the GOP has veto power over any reasonable ways to deal with the mess the pandemic has caused, I will not be able to take a cruise to Nova Scotia.  Luckily, most of New England is still open to us New Yorkers.

On August 1st, Hawaii is open to visitors again.  However, people must have the results of a Coronavirus test taken within the past 72 hours - no testing will be done upon arrival.  This means that it doesn't yet make sense to schedule a Hawaii vacation.  Yet, I may consider doing the research to flying to Hawaii, stay in Honolulu for a few days, and then travel to the Big Island for some more exploring.  If I do it this way, I may end up spending as much money as I would have on the cruise, but have a more flexible schedule to work with.

If I schedule the cruise in the near future, I have a question yet to be resolved - would the woman I've been seeing still be with me at that time?  I plan to tell her about my bi-gendered nature in the near future, as she has a right to know this about me before we get physically intimate.  If this woman can accept me in both modes, this would be a perfect trip for us, as she has never been to Hawaii.

Right now, I'm assuming that the Census Bureau will start laying us off sometime in September.  If my employment ends around Labor Day, I'll try to make vacation plans for Provincetown, MA, and spend a few days there.  If it's a little later, I'll skip being near the beach and spend a few days in Upstate New York.  (I still want to get back to the Baseball Hall of Fame, as well as other museums that are open there.)  If Pennsylvania is off the 31 state New York quarantine list, then I might decide to see Fallingwater if that site is open.

TCL and I have discussed to trip to Cleveland a while back.  We'd stay with one of her friends, and then visit the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.  I would have to do all the driving on that trip, but it might be a nice thing to do if Ohio is off the quarantine list later in the year. There are may things we could see on the way out there and back, and we wouldn't have to worry about the expense of hotel rooms.

Hopefully, next year will be a better year for planning a vacation.  

Socializing in the age of the pandemic

There is a certain loneliness in the above picture that I can not define.  Is it that of these boats waiting to be used?  Or is it that humanity looks so far away in the scene?  Either way, this image is a fitting metaphor for what is happening in the age of the pandemic.

- - - - - -

In Mid March, everything seemed to stop all at once.  Within less than a week, public activity went from "drive" to "park" - and the social engine was left to idle for several months.  It took New York State (with the exception of New York City) 3 months to "flatten the curve" to a level where most socializing could return to a new "normal".  Outside the city, restaurants were allowed to reopen indoor dining rooms at 50% of capacity, museums were allowed to  reopen with social distancing protocols in place, and public gatherings of 50 people (or less) were allowed to take place.  The isolation of those 3 months has put a fear into people which will be hard to remove when a vaccine for the Coronavirus is found. 

I've noticed that several meetup groups have reverted to online Zoom gatherings, as their members are still afraid of meeting in person.  However, the meetup group I've attended in person is maintaining social distance for its in person meetings, and I expect it to shut down for the winter when it is no longer feasible to meet outside.  I'll miss that venue.  But I'll find ways to get by.

- - - - - -

Even in NYC, I see gradual signs of reopening.  Some museums have developed protocols which will allow them to admit visitors again.  This is a good thing.  All too many people are acting out of fear than anything else.  However, this is a good thing when we don't yet have a vaccine for the virus.

In the South and West, the virus is still out of control. The Zoom meetup from Texas that I attend shows no sign of going away.  Ever since the virus starting spiking there, my pen pal friend is more reluctant to go out of her apartment.  (I can't say this for the rest of the group.) And the rest of the gang has gotten so used to these virtual meetups, that I don't think they will abandon this way of socializing anytime soon.

Over time, I expect that people in the South and West will see enough suffering that they will also get comfortable with the idea of another economic shutdown.  They will not like being told that they can't go to bars, restaurants, theaters, and other venues where people get together in close quarters.  But they will do so eventually - when the pain from having reopened their economies too soon gets too much to bear.

- - - - - -

You might ask - how is this affecting me?  Well, due to problems with an ex girlfriend, I will not be able to attend virtual meetings of "her" dinner group.  I can live with that, because I have developed other ways to meet my needs to connect with people in case of another stay at home order.  Luckily, I live in the Northeast, where the virus is being kept at bay. This means, I will be free to travel when my gig at the census ends sometime this year. Although I am limited to driving to some place in the Northeast, it's better to be able to do this now, than worry about being quarantined in the future.

Yet, the pandemic is affecting me more in subtle ways.  For example, I've never been able to hold the woman I've been seeing in my arms.  She lives inside NYC limits, and I have to drive her to Long Island, so that we can dine "normally".  People who would normally respond quickly to communications inside a dating platform are a little reluctant to do so, as they know that dating itself will be awkward until they have been vaccinated for the virus. 

As my readers know, I enjoy cruising.  Since Hawaii seems to have gotten the virus under control, it may be possible for New Yorker's to visit there without a mandatory 14 day quarantine. If this is the case, it might still be possible for me to take my Hawaiian cruise this winter.  Hopefully, this will be the case.  I really want to get Lei'ed in Hawaii soon!

- - - - - -

For the most part, all of this could have either been avoided, or the impact of this could have been much less severe.  We have our president and his GOP loyalists to blame.  We paid attention to science in the Northeast, paid the price to "flatten the curve" and are relatively virus free.  Outside the Northeast, they tended to follow the proclamations of power hungry politicians and reopened things way too soon.  As a result, residents of 31 states (as of this writing) must quarantine themselves if they enter New York.  If the Northeast was a separate country, we'd be able to visit most of the world, as our infection rates are as low as Canada, the UK, and most of the EU.  But this is not the case - we get hurt because the rest of America is not acting responsibly.

Hopefully, enough people will be sick and tired of the mess we are in, and vote the current dysfunctional regime out on November 3rd.  Then, starting January 20th at noon, we can get to the business of ridding this country of this virus, so that we can get back to normal living....

Moving Forward

This is all you will likely see of the woman I've been dating recently.  She is a very nice woman, and I'm not sure of if things will work out, and how far it will go if it does work out.  There is no need for me to wallow in the past, as doing so will only serve to make me unhappy about my losses.

- - - - - -

It appears that without negotiation, my ex and I have a working arrangement regarding meetups.  If I sign up for a meetup with the Live Music group, she will back away, as she doesn't want to see me as Marian.  Since she poisoned the well for me as Marian in "her" dinner group, I have no interest in going there as Mario.  In short, her extreme problem with seeing me as Marian has created a situation where she can have one group and I can have the other.  Hopefully, she will see it the same way as I do.

But enough about the ex....

Unless this new woman embraces the idea that I can be both Marian and Mario, she will be out of the picture.  For now, we've been enjoying going out to dinner and having walks by the beach.  You'll note that I haven't yet given her a "name".  The pandemic has slowed our "Getting to know you" phase of a relationship to a crawl - and that's fine with me.  I'm learning some of the things I'm lacking in social skills (I won't name my key flaw here).  And even if things don't work out, I'll have gained something by knowing her.

The big question is: How do I tell her about my life as Marian?  And then, will that be the end of "us"?  So many unknowns to deal with.  At least, I don't have a former cruise partner to get in the way of me keeping my head clear....

Sadness about a poor investment of time - and more.

The other day, I decided to let go of my past. Specifically, I decided to treat my past with XGFJ as a bad investment of 5 years of my life, and to make sure that I move on without any further comments from this peanut gallery. To do this, I sent the following email:

I just wanted to let you know that I was going to do you one last favor. Instead of going to the meetup on the 18th that you bailed out on, I was going to change my plans and go elsewhere to have a good time. I'd rather remember you for the person I thought you were, then the person you became in my eyes. Seeing you there would have only made me feel that I wasted 5 years of my life caring for someone who couldn't bear to let go of me earlier than she did. I was in your position once, and it took me 8 years to let go of Ex-GF-M. I only wish I could have done that sooner, and not caused Ex-GF-M as much pain as I did when I let go of her. Strangely enough, Ex-GF-M and I ended up becoming friends again towards the end of her life. That is something I can be happy about.

Earlier this month, I wrote to you to say that I'm sorry for my part in our dispute regarding meetups. Your response, perfectly timed to upset me on my birthday, showed a lot of unresolved feelings about our past. I feel that upsetting me was your plan, even though I tried to bury the hatchet one last time. For the past several months, if I thought of you, it was only in the present tense and in regard to the meetup groups. I no longer feel anything (save infrequent sadness and loss) for the 5 years we were together. In order to finish my process of letting go, I forgive you for causing me pain and discomfort. Forgiveness will help me move on to a much better relationship than the one we had.

It might surprise you to hear me say that you were right - we must come to an agreement in regard to the meetup groups. In the unlikely event that I choose to go to your dinner group, I will go as Mario as you wanted. However, that leaves the other groups open. Marian will choose to go to those groups as she sees fit, as I am known as Marian in these groups. My attempts to register for a meeting of any shared group was simply to get in while there was still room, and not have to be on the wait list. I was not out to prevent you from going to these groups' meetings - they are open to the public upon registration.. Right now, I certainly don't want to see you when I go, and you certainly don't want to see me. If there is a good way to do this while sharing the groups, I'd like to hear of it.

No response regarding our past is needed or wanted. I miss the friendship part of our relationship, and I'd bet that you do too. Sadly, that chapter in our lives was over and done with when we couldn't come to an agreement about the meetup groups. I will always treat you with respect if/when our paths happen to intersect.

Although XGFJ sent me a curt response to tell me that her mom may have been exposed to COVID and that I sent a quick, one sentence reply to wish her mom a speedy recovery, this may likely be my last communication with her.  In order to move on, I had to accept that it was a poor investment of 5 years to care for a person who didn't have the sense of ethics I needed in a love interest. If you were to read both my short term blog (which is not accessible to the public) and some of this blog, you'd have seen that I was angry at XGFJ due to her refusal to share several meetup groups. The isolation of the pandemic made things much worse for me.  Although I never betrayed XGFJ, I did make her aware that I would do so if needed after her threat to betray me in a Facebook chat.  So she acted first, and betrayed me twice, by outing me to several friends in her circle.  It is due to this lack of ethics that I consider the 5 years we spent together as wasted time.

Recently, I talked with one of the one of the two Clinical Social Workers I've dated recently.  When I discussed the note above, she mentioned that XGFJ must have at least one of the "3 S's" to have such an extreme aversion to Marian - Sad, Scared, and Shamed.  I know she must have been sad at one point.  And I know that she was ashamed to be associated with Marian.  Even more, I'd bet that she was scared that others would find out about our connection.  When we first met, I introduced XGFJ to the polyamorous people who taught me that good communication and honest negotiation was essential for healthy relationships. Sadly, I had grown over the years that I dated XGFJ, but she didn't grow along with me. And this conversation with a friend only confirmed this feeling.

I doubt that I will have anything more to say about XGFJ in future posts.  I'll be surprised if she were to respond to the above email with anything worth reading. Her recent emails lead me to think that she had many repressed complaints about me that she never brought up properly while in our relationship.  I was only aware of one or two - only after it was way too late to change things while in the relationship.  In many ways, her complaints about our relationship were too little, too late.  And now, they only can serve as things to watch out for in future relationships.

- - - - - -

One of the things XGFJ brought up in her laundry list of complaints was that I had already started dating before the pandemic locked things up for a while. Although the first woman I dated was a nice person, it didn't work out. She knew up front that she couldn't deal with my nature. And I respect her for letting me know this up front, instead of taking several years to figure this out.  Now that I've dated someone nice, I'm hoping I won't have the same reaction when I tell her about the other side of me.  But I'll always wonder - in her heart, did XGFJ feel that like a previous pause in our relationship, that we'd still be friends long enough to reawaken a romance?  There were several things she said in our message exchanges that lead me to believe that this could have been the case.  Sadly, once we had our arguments over the meetup groups, this could no longer be the case - I had to move on with my life and only hope that we could be friends someday.  My romantic needs would have to be filled elsewhere, and reopening my dating site accounts would be something I needed to do.

The pandemic is getting in the way of socialization.  Many people may be scared of dating, knowing how bad COVID is, and would rather stayed hunkered up at home until things pass.  Others are afraid to have outdoor meals with small groups of friends, much less with meals eaten inside restaurants running with 50% of indoor capacity due to COVID restrictions. Many churches have not reopened for public services, nor have many non-profits opened for in-person business.  Until there is a vaccine, or that the virus has been subdued nationwide to the degree it has been subdued in upstate New York, people will rightfully be scared to associate with others in person.  

Right now, I am feeling a little sad, as my life is not firing on all of its cylinders. I am glad that I know that things will get better for me in the future. I hope that the COVID scare regarding her mom is a false alarm.  If not, I hope that she recovers and lives to be 100. But I will not bother to find out more. The friendship with XGFJ was over the day she made a big stink about the meetups, and I wish her the best. Most of all, I hope to find someone who can accept me in my bi-gendered nature and appreciate what we have in each other.  It would be nice to have someone who loves me for who I am, and not for an idealistic image of a person I could never be.   

 .

Did someone try to play games with me? You Bet!

Please note: This entry was started over two weeks before you are seeing this....  Things have changed since it was started, and I have edited out some of the stuff which no longer needs to be said.

As I've mentioned here, XGFJ and I have had a strange relationship.  We no longer see or talk to each other by phone. But we have communicated online.  Unfortunately, much of the communication came from XGFJ's revulsion at the idea of seeing me in female mode.

Towards the end of June, the organizer of the Mid Hudson Valley dining group meetup decided to step down without a replacement organizer.  I commented on XGFJ's announcement that she would like to attend my group's dinner, saying that it is a nice group and that we don't bite.  Totally innocuous, if I say so myself.  And then,  I wished XGFJ to have a nice lunch with the HV Live Music meetup group, and XGFJ got livid!  She blamed me for the demise of the MHV Dining group, claiming that I was pestering its organizer.  (If a polite request given 3 months ago could be the straw that broke the camel's back, then I have a bridge in Brooklyn to sell you.)  She also claimed that that she had made a mistake, thinking that she had signed up for dinner with the Live Music group when she signed up for dinner with my group, claiming that she was pulling out of having dinner with the group.  (I don't buy this one bit, as our mutual friend "suddenly" had a new work schedule which kept her busy on Tuesday and Wednesday nights during July, and bailed out of dinner.)

The next day, I found out the truth of why the MHV dining group was shutting down - the organizer kicked out 17 people who complained about the group being closed to newcomers during the pandemic AND that others had expressed their opinions on this as well.  The (former) organizer is a little bit of a control freak, and didn't like having her authority challenged, from what I found out from my sources.  I now had proof that XGFJ was lying me - nothing anymore she could say to me would have any value.  When I mentioned to this source that there was someone in the MHV group who detested my presence (not mentioning that I am transgender), she said that this person should fuck him/herself, and that I should go to any gathering I want. 

Considering that I had never been allowed to enter the MHV dining group, I had a chat with the former organizer.  This is where I found out that XGFJ had blackballed me, so that she could avoid seeing me.  To me, this wasn't a big deal.  But outing me to several people was.  XGFJ betrayed me - I was outed to at least two (or more) people.  So after a late night exchange of messages, I told her that "she lost."  A day later, I decided to explain tings and sent the last communication I expect to have with XGFJ. I apologized for my part in destroying what was left of our friendship, and noted that if she had been willing to negotiate access to the meetup groups, neither of us would be angry with each other and that we'd be exactly where we are now, feeling good about each other. 

In regard to our mutual friend, I found it interesting that when I made an offer to take her on one of my rail trail walks, that she had a scheduling issue.  The reality of what happened is in her later communication with me - she wanted to make sure I say nothing about XGFJ if we meet.  Obviously, she values XGFJ's friendship more than getting together with me.  Even though I promised that I wouldn't talk about XGFJ if we meet, I doubt that we will have our birthday drink, as she knows her July schedule, but won't give me any open dates.  Since I haven't seen her in 5 years, it's no great loss.  It just would have been nice to get together for that drink.

As Vicki and I see it, XGFJ may have accepted occasional cross-dressing from me, as long as she could see it as "a guy in a dress".  Once my female persona became real to her, she had to leave - she couldn't accept being with a person who was bi-gendered.  Vicki and I agree on this, as XGFJ has shown an extreme aversion to seeing me in female form at any time. This is funny, as XGFJ once said that I should be proud of what I accomplished.  Since more people accept me than not in either presentation, and that XGFJ is out of my life, I should focus on making my feminine presentation as real as possible.

The other day, XGFJ responded to an email I wrote to her.  (See my last entry.)  I found it interesting that many of her comments were related to problems she had with me in our former relationship.  Why didn't she make things clear?  Vicki believes that just hinting at problems is not enough for me to see the seriousness of those issues.  Since Vicki and I have been friends for over 20 years, I tend to believe her over someone like XGFJ.  In many ways, I dodged a bullet.  I could be in a relationship with someone with whom I'd have to ration my time in female presentation.  But I could not be in a relationship with someone who can not make her needs understood or known to me.  For example, XGFJ complained in her email about me not helping her in the kitchen at her place.  What she never understood is that if I never entered another kitchen again, it'd be too soon.  I don't enjoy the process of cooking.  I barely can deal with the process of heating up food.  But I would enter a kitchen and help if asked.  Those requests rarely, if ever, came.  At least, I know some of the things to watch out for in a possible future relationship I may have.

I hope that one day, XGFJ and I will come in contact at some future meeting.  Will she immediately leave the meeting because I'm there?  Who knows?  But I am not going to be somewhere just because she's there.  She hasn't been a friend in many months, nor does she show any interest in being a friend.  If I am wrong, she'll have to be more open about it, as I have never been good at reading minds. 

By the time you read this, sparks might have flown...

It seems as XGFJ has taken a new path to dealing with me.  I have no intentions of causing a scene.  But I wonder what's on her mind.  I know that she knows some of what's been on my mind - she does read this blog now and then.

- - - - - -

All of a sudden the other day, I saw that XGFJ has signed up for meetups that I was planning to attend. I never had any problem with this, I can be nice to her - even if she is unhappy that I am there.  By the time you read this, we'll know whether we can be in the same place without fighting.  I hope so - if only not to tarnish my memories of her any further.

When I found out that XGFJ had outed me to a couple of people, as well as falsely blaming me for the shutdown of "her" dinner group, I got a little angry.  But then I thought about it and sent the following email


After our last message exchange the other night, I got to thinking - we both lost. You still have your dinner group (now organized by someone else), and I have access to the other meetup groups. Why did we have all this angst between us, if we are at the same place I suggested we'd be all those months ago? Instead of having a friendship where we'd call each other and exchange highlights of the day, we virtually say nothing at all. The answer lies with your feelings about my feminine persona and nothing more.

I feel that you needed to let go of me, because my feminine persona became real to you. That is and was always your right. But you had no right to demand I not attend public groups. I feel that we could have negotiated a way for both of us to share these groups, whether or not I would have attended as a female or as a male. I could not accept your demand that I not attend any of these groups' meetings. Each time this topic came up between us, things got worse between us. Eventually, I would have confronted you in-person once, this problem would have been over between us and we could have resumed some form of friendship. Sadly, the pandemic came, and my anger was allowed to fester. Coupled with loneliness, and I decided to reach out to the one group which was having online meetups at the time. You were upset at that too - I wanted a friendly group, and you couldn't understand why I reached out to that group. This made you angry. I am sorry for that. What made things worse is that you read the blog where I was venting steam. I can't blame you for fearing what I would do. But I never lied to you in regard to caring - my bark was much worse than my bite. So you poisoned the well for me in your group.

Unfortunately, as I said earlier, we both lost in this unneeded squabble. You and I no longer have the trust in each other we once had. I threatened betrayal, and you did so out of fear. I want to apologize for my part in this affair. I could have handled things much better than I did. Maybe a phone call from you, instead of text messages would have been a better tool for us to clear the air. Who knows? This didn't happen. I'd have accepted that call. 

As I said - we both lost.... And I am sorry for my role in that.


I have no idea of what went on in her mind when she read this email, nor did I bother to find out. What is important is that neither of us make asses out of ourselves when our paths bump into each other.  If there is any anger left in me, it's not because we broke up.  (I realized that poor communication would have condemned us to a troubled breakup no matter whether I was transgender or not.)  Instead, it was her demand that I not attend meetings of any of the meetup groups she wanted to hold exclusively for herself. This was an unreasonable demand, and it was the root cause of two people destroying what was left of a nice relationship. Do I miss our friendship?  Yes.  But I doubt that she will make any of the moves (such as making a phone call) that would signal that she misses that friendship and would want a lesser version of it in the future.


Years ago, I used to hang out with Polyamorous people in the Albany, NY area.  They were nice people, and I learned something very important from them.  Healthy relationships are characterized by communication and negotiation. This does not mean that a couple will not argue.  Healthy couples argue.  They just don't frequently argue.  Unhealthy relationships are characterized by frequent arguments.  They are also characterized by the lack of arguments.  This, I think, was the ultimate problem with XGFJ and I - we did not communicate or negotiate well with each other.  Hopefully, she will find what she needs in another man, and me with another woman.  Until then, I will continue trying to find someone who can be comfortable with me exactly as I am....







PS: Long story made short.  The ex got upset when I signed up for her dinner group on dinner night, and made sure that I was expelled from the group.  C'est la Vie.  She also sent me an email which I won't go into here.  But it did trigger an exchange of messages which cleared some of the air between us.  There is still one meetup where we are both are scheduled to attend.  However, I will likely cancel both scheduled meetups I'm supposed to attend, as I may have dates on both evenings.  Why not let her enjoy these evenings?