Thinking about my friend, WDS

(If you look carefully, WDS is reflected as behind his dog.)

The other day, I wrote about WDS's latest response to an email of mine.  So I responded with another email of my own:

WDS, 

1. I understand that there are no promises. And I'm not a person who deals in false hopes.
2. I'm glad you are not in a care home. Do you have anyone looking in on you now and then? I have similar values as you do regarding the quality of life. It was important to me that I was there to support you in your time of need, and would do that again.
3. Can you take care of any paperwork that comes your way? Do you have someone who will contact your friends and family (I only know of a half sibling of yours) when the time comes?

Remember that I will support you in the decisions you make. If you need someone to come down for a short while to help, I will do so.

Please keep me up to date on things.... Although we haven't been in the same place in years, I still consider you among my best friends.

Mario

I'm hoping that WDS understands all of what I'm trying to say.

WDS is an atheist. So saying like "my thoughts and prayers are with you" would be an insult, as he thinks that religion and worship are worthless. The fact that he is in his rented home is important to me, as it means he can control his destiny to some extent. However, I am concerned about his ability to handle paperwork, as he lost part of the brain which controls speech and language. It has also affected to use the right side of his body. Since I remember him being right handed, the effects of the stroke would be enough to make me want to take a long dirt nap. So, I can only imagine what a fitness conscious person like WDS must be feeling right now.

I'll miss WDS, although we haven't seen each other in years.  When I got the short term job at the payments firm, WDS gifted me a top of the line iPad. He made sure I couldn't refuse his gift.  There are many more things I might want to enumerate, but I won't do so right now.  Instead, I only want for him to go into the dark unknown in the way he chooses to go.  Hopefully, he'll be able to do that.  From what I can tell by the following reply, I think he'll get what he wishes.

A former member of the dog club calls me daily or twice daily and comes once a week.
Yes, I can take care of paper work.

Thank you

This is all I need to know.  I asked if he wanted me to call him, but I think he'll say No.  So in many ways, I think this will be the last communication I have with my old friend.

 

 

Another visit to Mavis, more frustration, followed by dinner with someone new.

This is the last part which needs to get installed for my car's exhaust system to be complete.  However, when I arrived at Mavis bright and early this morning, they didn't have the part.  If the car wasn't driveable, I would be very mad.  As it is, I am quite upset.  No, I am not upset at the people at Mavis, as they are upset as well.  I am upset at a supply chain which has failed at a critical moment for me.

I am told that Covid-19 has affected a lot of supply chains around the world.  Couple this with the recent supply chain problem caused by a container ship blocking the Suez Canal, and one can start building a case for regionalization in addition to globalization.  When the pandemic first hit, no one knew how much of our medical supply chain was sourced from China.  I am not at odds with David Ricardo who suggested that there is mutual national benefit from trade even if one country is more competitive in every area than its trading counterpart and that a nation should concentrate resources only in industries where it has a comparative advantage. However, it also makes sense for regions to be moderately self sufficient during a pandemic.  Yet, one can go way too far with this idea, such as with North Korea's idea of Juche. A nation (or region) must find a happy medium, so that when many international borders have to be shut down, enough commerce can take place, in order to minimize the disruptions that result from closed borders and broken supply chains.

In my case, a minor supply chain breakdown is interfering with a visit to see FH at her friend's place.  The part never made it to Mavis at 9:00 as promised.  It arrived 4 hours late. As a result, the repair could not be completed early enough to allow me to make it to FH's friend on time.  And when I started to leave for Long Island to meet up with FH for an early dinner, she texted me to say that she was tired and that we should wait until next weekend to get together.  At that point, I started on a long drive, and decided to call FCM to say hello.  This hello ended up allowing us to get together for dinner, and chatting well into the evening.  Even though there are some warning signs, I feel good enough about FCM to consider a second get together.

 

PS: The next day FCM sent me a message that makes me feel we will stay in the "Friend Zone."  And that's OK with me, as she was a low priority dating prospect.

Maria. Maria. I just met a girl called Maria.

 

What a corny way to open up an entry.  But I figured that the focus of my day would be on just two things: (1) Having dinner with Maria, and (2) a Noisy Muffler.  And I was right.  Work passed by relatively quickly, and once I got into the zone, I didn't notice the 8 hours go by. So, the real day began for me around 5:00 pm.

After a quick stop at the house to change into something prettier than I wear to work, it was off to see Maria in Poughkeepsie.  Giving her a 7:00 arrival time was just right.  We both got to the restaurant within minutes of each other, and then we sat down to dine. This was Maria's first time at the Mill House Brewpub.  I've been there a couple of times before, and I expect to eat good food.  But tonight, both the quality and quantity impressed me.  Although we spent a pretty penny on the meal (both of us had drinks), it was well worth the price.  (Too bad she couldn't drink any beer - we'd have shared a flight of drinks.)  Due to the rain, one drink was my limit.  But what I had went well with my pork schnitzel.  Yum!

We talked about many things, but the focus was on the stuff occupying my mind these days: WDS, the Ex-Girlfriend, FH and the other women I've been chatting with lately. None of these things in themselves is that interesting.  But when put in an overall context of how people relate to each other, how people communicate with each other, then it becomes interesting.  We could have gone on forever, but both of us were tired. 

All too soon, we had to go home. It was well worth the effort to see Maria again.  And I hope that I can get together with her and her boyfriend next time.

Mavis Tires - The second, but not final visit.

 

You might wonder why I show pictures of a car's exhaust system.  Well, the long pipe connecting the engine to the rest of the exhaust system failed, along with the parts closest to the tail pipe.  Yesterday, I brought the car to Mavis Tires, expecting to have the work completed by the end of the day.  However, the parts supplier couldn't get the parts to Mavis on time to get me out the door by 5.  So I was told to come back after work to get this work done and to get my wallet emptied.

Whenever I get work done on my car, I go as Mario.  Yesterday, this meant a quick stop at home to change into Marian before going to work.  Today, it meant changing into Mario after work before going to Mavis.  So I had to plan out my day very carefully.

- - - - - -

This morning, the Route 9A Southbound traffic jam from Croton to Route 134 was much worse than usual for 7:20 am.  Cars were bunching up at the end of the bridge out of Croton, and I had to take side roads to bypass much of the jam.  Another jam was around Route 133, and I had to again reroute to side roads instead of getting stuck in traffic.  If I didn't know the alternative routes on side roads, I'd never have made it to work on time.  But I did lose my chance to have a cup of coffee before starting work.

At lunchtime, I received the following message from WDS:

Hello Dear Friend,

1. My brain may recover, but there are no promises. The pressure of the two hemorrhages between my cranium and brain has already killed a whole bunch of brain cells.

2. I'm staying at a house that I rent. No, please don't try to help me. I don't want to live forever, and I definitely don't want to survive as a vegetable. Quality of life is very important to me. Remember that I have had personal experience with that subject and that I understand it well.

3. No, thank you. I get tired easily, and I have to allocate my efforts to selected activities.

I appreciate your friendship and offer to help, but this is an end of life state. I must choose the right path for me at the right time. 

Hopefully when the time comes, he will have someone near him to keep him company as he starts his trip to the great unknown.  Also, I hope that he has someone lined up to inform his friends and family of his demise.

Next, I received a text from FH that something was wrong, and she wanted to talk this evening.  It seems like she wanted more time to talk with her friend, and asked me to come for dessert instead of a midday dinner.

After 8 hours of playing digital "Whack-a-Mole", I was tired and ready to go home.  Instead, I could only stop there long enough to clean myself up, change clothes, and then go to Mavis.  While at Mavis, I texted Vicki, and she picked me up for an unplanned dinner at Panera Bread.  So, at 7:30, I returned to Mavis with a hope that my car would be ready.

My hopes for a quiet car were dashed when I was told that the pipe at the end of the muffler (see bottom left photo) was about 5 inches too short.  It couldn't connect with the rest of the tailpipe.  So I ended up with a noisy car that will have to take me up to see a friend tomorrow.  At least, the fellow assures me that this will be fixed for good on Saturday morning.  Damn.  It would be the only day I could wake up late, and now I can't do so.  AARGH!

Tomorrow, I'll be meeting up with Maria #2 after work.  It'll be nice to catch up with her again.

Zoom, Zoom, Zoom

 

It was just one of those days....

I had to take off from work to bring my noisy car to Mavis.  The car had exhaust system problems, and I didn't know bad or costly they'd be.  After an hour at Mavis, I was brought to my car and shown the undercarriage.  The exhaust pipe had failed from the point of connection to the catalytic converter to the muffler itself.  Not only did I need a new pipe, but I needed a new muffler as well.  Ouch!  To make things worse, they couldn't get the parts in today.  So I was told that the parts would be in tomorrow, and that I could bring the car in after work to be taken care of.  There goes the better part of $1,000 that I'd rather spend on something else....

Next, it was off to work for a half day, and home to catch up with my ex boss on a Zoom meeting.  He's a good man, and I'm glad to be able to talk with him now and then.  But for some reason, I feel a little depressed when I talk with him.  I guess it's because we're out of the element (work) that gave both of us a certain purpose.

Following this, I logged onto another Zoom meeting, playing games with friends.  I don't recall if I won any games or not, but I was glad to be able to make it.  In two weeks, we'll likely be shutting down for the summer.  And I'll miss the distraction that helped me kill time and keep from getting bored shitless.

 

A quick post about a long chat

I just finished chatting with the ex.  A lot was said about two people who were too stupid to communicate well and tossed away a good relationship.  Can I say a lot about it?  No.  But I do know that a conversation I had with someone else has triggered me to return a gift - and that will cause a fit. 

More to come....

 

 

PS: I later decided not to send the gift back to the former friend.  I'll send a letter to the former friend, and regift the gift to the friend I hike with. At least, she can use that gift (or she can regift it herself).

A pop, and my car told me that it wants to see the mechanic again.

 

The picture above has no relation to the story I have to tell today.  But I liked how the top looks on me, so I figured I would make it available for my readers to see.

- - - - - -

The car I drive is a bit under 8 years old, and it's showing its age.  As long as doing regular maintenance costs me less than buying a new car AND the car is reliable, I'll keep it on the road for now.  But today was a wake up call, that I should consider looking at my timetable to buy that new car.

A while ago, my car started to make a little bit of a "throaty" sound when the car was under stress - such as when I floored the gas to go up a steep hill.  This problem wasn't diagnosed by the mechanic then, so I've lived with it for a a couple of years.  On the way to work, I stopped at a light, hears a "pop", and heard a louder version of the "throaty" noise, as if I was driving a motorcycle instead of a car.  So I decided to schedule a visit to Mavis on Wednesday, lose a day of pay, and get the problem fixed ASAP.  I have no idea of what it is.  My brother and I have some ideas, but without proof, I will hold off any diagnosis until the mechanic has looked at the car.

- - - - - -

After I got home, I ended up calling up one of the women who responded to my ad, just so we could keep current with each other.  And we'll be meeting up next week if all goes right.  This week is already booked up, and next week is starting to get full as well.  Now if only I could find someone compatible to share my life with....

Sunday with RO

 

I like this peacock so much, that I figured I'd post his image one more time.  It's nice to be among the half of a species who gets to use color to attract the opposite sex.  (In my case, I'm not trying to attract anyone while presenting as female, but I enjoy looking as pretty as possible.)

- - - - - -

RO and I had made plans to get together today, and I wasn't going to break them to go on an early morning hike with my friend (YGD) from the Yonkers Game Night Meetup.  Luckily, it rained, so this made it easier for me to postpone getting together to hike, leaving me more time for things such as doing laundry.

I took care of some correspondence this morning, and then got busy taking care of errands around the place. When I first got around to doing laundry, the machines were already in use by one of my neighbors.  This made it critical that I get home from dinner early enough to do laundry.  But it also made it critical that I squeeze in a trip to Wegmans to pick up lunches for the week.  So I could have a time crunch if my dinner with RO lasted too long.

Arriving in Mt. Vernon 30 minutes later than planned, I found that RO had found a way to burn time waiting for me.  She found a place across from where she parked to get a manicure, and 30 minutes later, she sat down at the table - about a minute before I arrived.  The Bayou is a good place for Cajun food, and it didn't disappoint us.  We had more than enough food to eat, and both of us took home leftovers.

On the way home, I made a quick stop at Wegmans, then called someone who responded to my ad on OK Cupid.  We had a nice chat, and agreed to chat again later in the week.  (I took the long way home, so that we'd have more uninterrupted chat time.) And 60 minutes later, I was home unloading my bags and doing laundry between messages with friends.  

This was a day where the less I say means more in the long term....

Another Saturday, and I'm glad I can see light at the end of the tunnel.

 

Some trans women feel that other prople want to see their "Cheesecake" pictures.  I'm a t-gal who takes this literally.  Here's a picture of the cheesecake I enjoyed tonight....

- - - - - -

But being serious....

After getting up late, I decided to do a little bit of cleanup and put some of my heavier winter dresses into a storage container, so that I would have room for more of my summer wardrobe.  And then, it was time to get ready to see FH.

I arrived at FH's place about 10 minutes late.  From there, we went to Forest Park to take a walk.  One problem - there was nothing worth seeing, as there weren't enough trees in bloom yet.  Se wasn't in the mood to walk for the sake of walking, so we took a drive around the pricey section of Forest Hills (where Patty lives) to see some pretty trees and nice houses from the comfort of the car.  Once we were done, it was off to the Milleridge Inn for dinner.

Sometimes I wonder why I keep seeing FH.  And the answer comes quick - until I meet someone more compatible, she serves my desire to date a woman during the pandemic. Now that the pandemic is easing off, I'm more aware of the incompatibilities that make me uncomfortable.  And I'm more aware that she is not the person I want to stay with too much longer.  She is not really interested in the things I'm interested in.  She likes to be a center of attention, always wanting to post pictures of her life on Facebook, instead of living it fully.  And, most of all, I don't think she understands, accepts or respects my TG nature.  So I will soon have to bail out of this relationship, in order to free myself for someone who is better for me.

The food at the Milleridge Inn was good, but the service was less than satisfactory.  They are ramping up to full capacity, and have yet to have enough staff on duty to service the tables.  I was far from happy that we had to wave at the wait staff to get their attention several times.  But I will not rule this place out for the future.  Instead, I will wait until they are ready to serve people in the manner they were accustomed to being served before the pandemic.

 

 

As we were going to the car, we saw this peacock walking around the parking lot of the Milleridge Inn.  FH wanted her picture taken with the bird, and I got several mediocre shots.  However, once I saw the bird, I knew I had to be extra careful while driving out of the parking lot.  Too bad that I couldn't take a picture of the "Peacock Crossing" sign we saw as we left the lot.

After a shopping trip to the drug store and supermarket next door, it was time to go home.  This is when FH brought up my TG nature and started making me feel uncomfortable with her statements.  So I tried to shift the topic away several times, and finally said that we will disagree on this. Then the topic changed with a little effort. By the time we got to her place, I was glad to drop her and her groceries off and then get back on the road to my home.

 

 

PS: I have yet to receive a response from my friend WDS.  Hopefully, he's still able to respond - even if only to tell me that he doesn't want to have me visit him.  

I woke up as the day went on....

 

Getting up in the morning is often a hard thing for me.  If I wake up early after going to sleep late, it's going to take several cups of black coffee to keep me awake enough to do my job.  Today was one of those days.

- - - - - -

I woke up early this morning, and didn't have enough sleep.  So, when I arrived at work, I was both sleep and caffeine deprived.  This meant that by the time my boss came in at 9:00 am, I was struggling to keep my eyes open enough to do enough of my job to justify my salary.  Thankfully, 10:00 am came quickly, and I rushed into the break room to ingest 2 cups of coffee into my caffeine stream.  By the time lunch time came, the caffeine kicked in, and I was able to make it through the rest of the day without incident.

Once home, I was wide awake, and left a message for Vicki to thank her for her help last night. I knew what I had to send to WDS, and knew that I had to be prepared to visit him if asked.  (I didn't realize that I sent the email to TCL instead of WDS last night.  So I sent it to him this evening.)  Since her husband was going up to "the farm", she was free to go out to eat. so we went to a Chinese restaurant that I used to go to with my former cruise partner.  

Vicki and I talked about a variety of things, WDS not being one of them, as we talked that through the night before.  The big thing was to give me ideas on how I could dress for summer at my office.  And I think I'll work with those ideas to find out what will look good on my body, as well as appear appropriately feminine while presenting as Marian.

Some more odds and ends, starting with Picasso's Last Words.

 

I decided to open this post with lines from McCartney's "Picasso's Last Words" because they fit the way I felt as I was getting out of bed this morning.

The grand old painter died last night
His paintings on the wall
Before he went he bade us well
And said goodnight to us all.

 
Drink to me, drink to my health
You know I can't drink any more
Drink to me, drink to my health
You know I can't drink any more

 

The reason for this clip was that a good friend of mine, WDS, struggled to write the email below:

I have not taken the vaccine; there seems to some kind of delay.

I had a stroke with two hemorrhages in the left side of my brain one week ago and spent three days in ICU. My right hand is numb often. The right side of my tongue is numb all the time. I lost half my vocabulary. To spell correctly, I must look up almost every word. Sometimes, I lose the ability to speak; when that happens, I can't pronounce any words, and I can't think of any words. Nuance is now gone. I have lost my appetite; last week, I lost 10 lb. I sure that I have lost more this week because my clothes are now too loose.

I do not know how much longer I will remain alive, but as my body shuts down, I think death is close to me.

I use a lot of time when I write replies. This one took me 25 minutes to assemble.

Sadly, I do not have either his phone number or snail mail address.  At the time I write this, I have no idea of how to respond to him.  Should I volunteer to drive to Florida to see him one last time?  Should I try to get a snail mail address and a phone number to be able to reach him by traditional means?  I don't know what to do, and I was bothered by this while at work today.

- - - - - -

Last night, I decided to do something I usually don't like doing - cook.  I decided to cook something extremely simple, yet a little labor intensive: Cook home made potato chips.  It's a bit of a pain, as I had to peel the potatoes, slice them paper thin (next time, I'll use a mandoline for this), then fry them in small batches until golden brown.  The problem - I decided to do this at 10:30 at night.  Although I had mixed results, I enjoyed the few chips I ate.

- - - - - -

 

The other day, I wrote something to XGFJ.  She misunderstood what I meant, and thought I might be taking a dig at her.  (I wasn't.)  However, I thought of the following witty reply which I didn't send:

 

If I were taking a dig at you, you'd have seen the shovel.

 

Obviously, this would likely have been misinterpreted in the moment.  (Later on, I mentioned this in the Zoom meeting with my Texas friends.  They laughed, as I would expect....)

But seriously....  When I think of XGFJ, I only would like to have her as an activity partner friend.  Dollars to donuts this won't happen because of her fear of seeing me and having her feelings for me kick in.  I liked her, but could never trust her enough anymore to risk a romantic relationship.  Any person who'd threaten to "out" someone to a person's 92 y/o father can not be trusted with things one confides in an intimate partner.   

Years ago, XGFJ used to ask me, "Do you have any complaints about me?"  In retrospect, I now do.  But will never bother to tell her this.  She never trusted me enough to be herself when we had a relationship.  She repressed enough of herself to have me around, that I never could help her with her needs.  Hopefully, this won't be the case in any future relationship she may have. 

 

- - - - - - 

This weekend, FH and I are going to try and make it to the restaurant we planned to go to last week.  I hope this happens.  It'll be nice to have a nice unhurried meal with her.

- - - - - -

Back to my friend, WDS....  I figured that I'd ask a couple of friends for advice on what to say to him.  I feel that I have to say something, but what?  I missed the opportunity to say goodbye to one friend sometime in the past few months.  At least, with WDS, I have the chance to say goodbye.  It's just figuring out how best to do it.

Speaking with TCL, it took me a while to get a chance to speak - and then she listened attentively.  But when I called Vicki, she ran off trying to tell me a lot of things and not thinking that I simply needed someone to listen to me while I think much of this out myself.  I guess that I'll have to interrupt Vicki and TCL more often, simply to get them to listen instead of talk.

In the end, I sent the following email:

Your news came as a shock to me, and I have some questions. Please take your time to answer them, as you need the energy to focus on your recovery.

1. What do the doctors say about recovery?
2. Where are you staying now? A Care Facility? Home?
   Can you give me an address and a phone number? Someone I can contact?
3. Would you like for me to come down for a few days?
   

I don't really want to go to Florida at the last moment. I will do so for WDS, as he was there for me when I needed him most. What are friends for? And this leads me back to a quick mention of XGFJ. Would she have done the same for me when we were a couple? I doubt it. I'm glad I didn't count on her when I was supposed to go for a colonoscopy last year. Even though she said she'd help me after we broke up, I doubt she would have kept her commitment once our dispute started. Over time, one learns who one's real friends are and who they aren't. In my case, I've learned a lot about the quality of people by how they manage their lives. If the worst happens to WDS, I will miss someone who I could trust with my life.

 

 

 

My arm was stuck, and I didn't notice a thing!

 

I just got one of the above cards.  However, my card has my name, information about my first shot on the front, as well as my next appointment date on the rear.  Since some of the information may need to be kept private until we have "vaccination passport" apps, I plan to guard this card with my life for now.

When I made my vaccination appointment, the Yonkers site had just opened up for residents outside of the "cities" of Yonkers and Mt. Vernon.  New York's vaccination scheduling website still implied that appointments were still limited to residents of the two cities.  So I wasn't sure if I was going to be allowed to get my shot there.  As a consequence of this, I kept my appointment in South Queens until I was vaccinated.

The Yonkers vaccination site is in a decidedly "low rent" neighborhood.  Along North Broadway and Warburton Avenue, it's easy to see the urban blight that is often found in big cities. This site is a short walk from the Phillipse Manor Hall Historic Site, but I wouldn't be comfortable taking that walk - even in daylight. Luckily there was enough parking nearby, and I easily found a parking spot across from the vaccination site.  It felt strange driving down one of Yonkers' many hills, seeing the riverfront "high rent" district from a place (in walking distance, without considering hills) whose residents do not have much hope.

Entering the site was easy.  All I had to do was show my ID and my appointment confirmation.  Of course, when I'm presenting as a female, I have to identify myself as "Gender Nonconforming", so that others realize that I am rightfully using my male identification and paperwork.  Several people along the way asked me to show my paperwork, but this wasn't an issue for me.  I assumed that people wouldn't hassle me because of my feminine presentation, and I was right.  Virtually everyone addressed me as "Ma'am" until I had to show my ID, and even then, they kept addressing me as a female.  The only questions I was asked when sitting down for the shot were the important ones: Was this my first shot? Do I have any allergies? Do I understand the risks of this "emergency approved" vaccination?  From start to finish, it took me less than 30 minutes - 15 minutes of which were observations for adverse reactions to the shot.

- - - - - -

Recently, ex-presidents Carter, Clinton, Bush #43, and Obama made public service videos to encourage ALL Americans to get vaccinated, making sure that they were all seen getting their shots in public.  A noted absence in the ex-presidential public service message ranks was Trump.  When he finally spoke up to encourage people to get vaccinated, he waffled - trying to keep the loyalty of the Anti-Vaxers. It sickens me to think that he'd remind people that they can choose NOT to get their arms stuck, when we need to achieve herd immunity quickly.  At least, I don't feel that I'm at risk of dying from this virus anymore....

On Easter, some people must be blind

The above picture was taken on Easter, when I drove an hour to get together with the Fun Time Friends.  The fellow in the picture went out of his way to get another picture taken with me.  I wonder what he sees, and I wonder what's on his mind.  But, if he were to invite me out, I'll politely decline.  I'll make up some story about seeing some gentleman near me that I've known from childhood, and hope that he backs off.

- - - - - -

This is the first time that I've looked into a picture taken by someone else and started to see something resembling a feminine form.  The more I live a good deal of my life as a woman, the more that I'll experience both the good and bad sides of what cisgender women experience every day.  Sometimes, it can be something as simple as having to wait for a restroom stall to free up.  And at other times, it may be something as risky as having to be on a poorly lit street waiting for a bus to come by.  There are so many good and bad scenarios I can think of, that I won't even try to make a list of them here.

One thing I can say when I look at my face in the picture is that this is the face of a confident woman. In a sense, I can understand why the ex girlfriend broke up the relationship - she was afraid of what this path of life would do to me.  When given a choice between courage and fear, I chose courage while she chose fear.  But enough of her already, as I mention her only in passing.

Does the above picture of me show someone who can exude confidence?  I'm not sure, but it is the picture of a person who hasn't yet developed her own style.  Over the past 8 years, I know what I want to look like when I go out the door, and I know what I need to look like to blend in with other women.  Yes, I've made a hell of a lot of mistakes to get to where I am in life.  But, in certain ways, I feel better now than I did a decade ago.  (This is not true in all areas of my life.  It is my growth as Marian that is helping to give Mario reasons to have hope.)

As I like to say, when the Easter Bunny brings you some eggs, make sure that you ask:

Chicken Eggs or Cadbury Eggs?

And then act accordingly....

 

I woke up and saw something weird.

This morning, I received a very strange message from FH:

stop stalking my page
you can tell who is looking at your page
i don't like it

When I looked at her Facebook page, she had unfriended me.  Here's the quandary - I never look at her Facebook page, except when she posts a picture that she wants me to "Like".

So I wonder if she's been looking at each and every one of my Facebook friends, then examining anything posted.  If so, then I can guarantee that she is not the type of person I want to be with for the long term.  It's bad enough that she focuses on my heritage, as if I deny part of my background (which I don't).  But she never seems to be happy with me.  Or, at least, I feel this way when she sounds disappointed when uncontrollable things go wrong (such as an accident that causes a major traffic jam) causing me to be late to arrive.  

If she found this website by hunting through every one of my links, then so be it.  But I'd have liked (and deserved) a better explanation than what she posted. 

- - - - - -

Later on in the day, we exchanged a couple of text messages.  She sees me at the top of her "bubbles" (the icons for contacts and for chats, as I'd call them) and thinks that I'm always on her FB page.  I hate breaking the news to her, but I rarely look at her site and will post "likes" on her posts when they are mirrored to my news feed.

Right now, this is not a big deal to me whatever happens.  I think she was very tired when she made her first posts, and didn't know much about how FB ranks contacts.  (Heck, I still get my ex girlfriend coming up near the contact list after 5 years of us being together, followed by over a year of being apart.)

PS: I talked with FH later on, and she noted she was a little woozy after taking her sleeping pills, as well as being a little confused.  So, we will likely try and go to the restaurant we wanted to go to last week and try for another nice meal.

I miss my friend.

 

I was thinking of a good person today.  She was a member of our community, but we didn't lose her due to Covid-19 itself.  Instead, we lost her because nearby hospitals were overloaded with Covid-19 patients and were unable to diagnose or treat her cancer before it was out of control.

My friend's last communication with me was an email which I've edited for both brevity and for privacy. The following email was her acknowledgement that death was soon to come.

Things were not supposed to go this way. I had planned two more years of working and then get going on my bucket list. I have been fortunate beyond belief being blessed with the best wife and family any man could have. I have had a good career and have fought many battles but those days are behind me.

I am sad that I will not likely complete some of the plans I had. I figured I would reach 70 in two years and retire and then start living my life and doing all the things I could not do while working. There are many of you that I planned to see and visit but unless something good happens that will not occur. Right now any movement is exhausting and talking is difficult. I wish I could breathe or even walk from one room to the next. I will continue to fight one day at a time but the current prognosis is depressing.

I am thankful for the life that the Lord has given me. It has been a good run with good friends and a great family. In June I would be married 48 years. My goal was to make it at least until 50 years married. I would love a few more rounds of golf and a few more runs down a ski hill but now it is hard to move from the recliner. I had planned to take my wife across the country to meet some of my friends but if the doctor is right that is not in the cards.

I thank you for your support and prayers. I may not have the ability to write again since getting on the computer is a strain. I will look to see you all again on the other side.

I wish you all health and happiness.

I do not think she would mind if I shared this last message as well as showing her picture.  This is the person she always wanted to be, but had to keep in a closet.  When she got too sick to have realistic hope of recovery, her wife disposed of her female clothing because she was afraid of what others may think.

Life is way too short to worry about what others may think.  One must live authentically.  For me, it is currently a life split between two worlds.  But for my friend, it was a second life mostly led in secret.  She could never take the risk that other people would find out about this side of her, nor could she share the beauty in her soul that this side of her represented.  Yet, she helped make it possible for me to be the person I am.

My friend and I met in person only once.  She could only treat her female side as part of a fantasy because the reality of coming out would be way too risky.  If I could have advised her to do one thing, I'd have advised her to be brave and share this part of her soul with others.  Yes, it would have come with big risks. I lost someone special because she couldn't deal with this side of me, or couldn't talk about her feelings about this side of me until it was too late.  But the rewards may have been worth the risk.  Sadly, only my friend would know if this is true - and by now, she has likely passed away. 

I would have liked to say my goodbyes in person while she was alive.  It would have been nice if her wife had sent out an email with wake/funeral information, so that we could pay our respects after her death.  (This is one time I'd choose to wear a dark MEN'S SUIT, as the wife did not approve of my friend's need to express her femininity.)  There were so many things that could have been better that were not to be.

It's hard to believe that I don't even know my friend's last name, or where she lived.  Several years ago, she gave me advice that helped me break down the wall of fear that prevented me from going out and about as Marian. She later gave me more good advice when I needed it - all while she was suffering with her cancer.  I miss my friend.

 

A day I could sleep late

 

 

 

This was a day where I had the option of getting up late, and I took advantage of it.  Originally, FH and I were supposed to out for a nice dinner at the Milleridge Inn on Long Island,but her stomach was feeling a little queasy, so we made other plans for the evening.  However, I'll be picking up dinner on the way down, as well as stopping at the pharmacy to pick up some meds for FH.

Every little thing conspired to add time to the front end of my day, and I took advantage of it by doing laundry shortly after I got up - around 11 am.  This frees up some time tomorrow, so that I can go to an Easter Dinner with the FTF Meetup group in Connecticut without worrying about having to do laundry when I get home.  

 

This is the second week in a row that FH has not been feeling well.  Last week, her GI Tract was forcing her to stay near a rest room all the time we were at Wegmans.  Today, she was getting over another problem which may have been related to food poisoning the night before.  Normally, I wouldn't think this an issue.  But TCL planted a tickler that hasn't yet gotten out of my mind.  Could she be looking for an opening to start looking for someone "better"?  If so, then I hope she drops the hammer sooner than later, as this will free up my Saturdays for other activities.

 

If FH weren't in the picture for this evening, I'd likely have gone for a walk on the Harlem Valley Rail Trail.  It would have been a perfect day to have gone out for a walk.  I wasn't going to drive 60+ miles North, then drive another 100+ miles South for an evening date.  Could I have done something local?  Yes, but I relished my sleep.  So, if the weather is good tomorrow morning, I might do something along the Putnam Rail Trail before showering, shaving, etc. to make myself look good for the FTF meetup to be held later that day.

One thing I know about tomorrow: Most of the day will be spent as Marian.  And that's a good thing.  I should be able to do my nails again before dinner, and look as pretty as possible when I see these people for the first time in months.

 

A question came to mind: Do I mind presenting as Mario?  The answer is no, but it's because I'm making a trade off when I do so.  I wouldn't give up being Marian part time.  But I'd retain the ability to be Mario part time if it meant I could have a healthy romantic life.  Last night, I had to strip off my nail polish for tonight's evening with FH.  And I didn't mind doing this to be with her.  I just wonder what's going on in her head....

I finally got some papers notarized.

 

A few years ago, my friend Maria asked me to do a boudoir photo shoot so that she could print one of my pictures and give it to her husband as an anniversary gift.  In a way, this is my favorite shot, as shows a vulnerable side she rarely shows to people.  Of course, the picture shows that I am an amateur photographer, as no one should be consciously aware of how a scene is lit.

- - - - - -

Today, Maria and I finally had the chance to meet for a few minutes in person.  I needed her to notarize my signature on a form I need to send in, so that I can claim my share of the funds in my late father's IRA. So we scheduled an after work get together at a McDonald's near her house.

As usual, my work day was 8 hours of electronic "Whack-a-Mole",  Luckily, I had a good sleep the night before, and was able to get through the day without falling asleep at my desk too often.  This is a job that I go to for two reasons only: (1) Money and (2) Something to occupy my time during the day.  Do I enjoy the job?  Not really.  But I don't hate it either.  I should have looked for a part time job, so that I'd have more time in my life to schedule and do the things I want to do.

Luckily, I get out at 4:30, and can beat rush hour choke points on the way home, and on my way up North.  That is what I did, making it to Fishkill an hour before Maria and I were supposed to meet.  So I went shopping at the local Walmart to kill time, then I drove to the McDonald's to meet Maria.

This turned out to be a very quick meeting with Maria.  It was freezing outside, and we both had other things to do.  Her notary stamp was giving her trouble, so she had to stamp the form twice.  Hopefully, that won't be a problem when I send it in to the bank.  At least, I'm all done for now.

- - - - - -

Afterwards, I went looking for a place where a food truck is going to be next week.  Ever since I've heard of Cousins Maine Lobster before, and I wanted to try something from their food trucks.  Every time one is nearby, I'm scheduled to be elsewhere.  So I went to Hopewell, thinking that the truck was going to be there today.  And I was surprised to find another food truck there.  Since I was "in for a penny, in for a pound," I decided to try a grilled shrimp Po'Boy sandwich.  The sandwich was so messy, that I figured that it would be best eaten at home.  And 45 minutes later, that's just what I did.  It was yummy.  But the next time I order from this truck, I'll ask for a few less greens so that the sandwich is easier to eat.

On the way home, I talked with the woman who used to run a store I used to shop at.  We were getting along fine, but something she said was a hint that she couldn't deal with the Marian side of me.  Oh, well.  I haven't put a few years' investment into this relationship, so I'll have little to be upset about if she reacts negatively to my reveal.

Once I finished eating, I decided to make reservations for the dinner I plan to have with FH tomorrow.  She deserves to go to a nice place once in a while, and I'm glad I can take her there tomorrow.  FH may not be the one for me in the long term, but I like her - and that's what counts.

It's always something, isn't it?

 

Emily Litella (a.k.a. Gilda Radner) was one of the best characters on SNL's Weekend Update.  This character's shtick was to rant on something for a while until someone pointed out that she had misunderstood things, and then go "Never Mind."  Sometimes, I feel just as lost as Emily, but with no one there to point out when I've gone far off the deep end.

On the way home tonight, I was looking at many of the unforced errors in my life, and realized that I was mostly on my own in making my decisions.  My late wife was of little help while she was alive, as I was always bailing her out of her own problems.  My parents did the best they could, but they never understood the quality of the raw material I was as a person, nor did they know best how to raise me to be a fully functional adult.  I am very surprised at how far I've come in life, and am amazed that I did it with as little help as I got from people.  (I was extremely lucky to have the help of the right people at the right times in life.  Otherwise, I'd have been an underachiever who would have had no clue how far s/he could have gone.)

Most of us have a simple choice in life, and everything follows from there. Does one want to live in courage? Or, does one want to live in fear?  Most people choose fear, and limit themselves to a small part of the lives they could have led.  I was once one of these people.  Even though I'm at an age where I'm playing out the remaining cards life has dealt me, I'm choosing to live in courage.  

My dreams have always been modest.  Yes, there was the part of me that would have loved having money and power.  But the tradeoffs I would have needed to make without understanding the how or why were never worth it to me.  So, I had two dreams: The first one I achieved when young, becoming a successful computer technologist.  The second one I achieved in late middle age, being able to go out and about as a female without embarrassment.  And that took much more courage, as I had to overcome my fear of the larger society.

Yet, there is a part of me that is envious of someone like Fran, a TG woman who has marched to her own drumbeat for years.  She is truly unique.  She makes little effort to blend in with cisgender women. Instead, she is the type of person who would stand out in a crowd, no matter what her gender happened to be.  No, I don't think I'd be comfortable living as Fran does.  But I am envious of someone who can do so....

It's hard to keep in touch with people when you're tired all the time

 

It's hard for me to keep in touch with people when I'm tired all the time.  No, others do it with a schedule like mine.  I'm just a bad time manager these days.  I can't imagine how I did it when I worked in the city and had two or three less hours in my life each day to work with.  But I did.

Part of me is trying to juggle too many things at one time.  I want to see as many of my friends as possible, and schedules often don't work the way they need to work to make this a reality.  For example, one friend, MW and I were supposed to get together this weekend.  She forgot that it was going to be Easter, and that she'd be having her dad, her boyfriend and his daughter over that day.  Additionally, she had to help out her ex, who had to go to the hospital for emergency surgery.  Another example is KOL.  LK and I make time for her, but she has a nasty habit of letting things in her life get in the way.  (I won't go into KOL's family issues here, but they are likely to be complex at the present from what we know.) And then, there are all the other people circling around my life who never can seem to stop for a while.

Of course, not getting enough sleep doesn't help.  I used to take the ex girlfriend's issues with sleep a little bit lightly.  She'd go to sleep with her cellphone in hand, and then wake up a couple of hours later, unable to go to sleep for another 4 hours or so. She was always overtired, and now I've fallen into a similar pattern.  AARGH!

At least, I found the time to polish my nails last night.... 

Until I find my new normal, I look both ways....

 

I often find myself thinking of mistakes I made in the past and what I could have done differently.  No, I can not change the past, nor do I regret many of the decisions I have made.  Instead, I want to learn as much as possible from my past, and make sure that I don't make similar mistakes in the future.

- - - - - - 

When crossing a road, we are taught to look both ways before crossing.  Now, I look both at the past and my future to figure out what I want to do next in life.  For example, I looked at my most recent past relationship, and realized that I needed to place a higher emphasis on communication in a relationship, instead of just getting along too smoothly.  I also look at the future, and wonder if someone like FH would be what I need.  She is not shy about making her needs known to me, and can drive me up the wall sometimes while doing so - and I'm glad she can do this, given the failure of my recent past.

I also wonder whether I should stay in the workforce as a full time worker, and whether I would work as Mario or Marian.  If I were to get a receptionist or office worker type position, I want to work as Marian.  There is something I like about appearing as a professional woman that fits my image of myself as Marian.  Yet, I like the image of a technical worker that I was as Mario. Which path should I choose if both were to be open to me at the same time?

It's not easy making these decisions, as I will have to live with them for a long while.  But I am glad that I'm in a position to make these decisions, instead of being held back by fear.