I could have gone early and shopped, but....

I hate Christmas shopping.  It's a pain to find the things people really need, and even harder to find the things that people would like but wouldn't get for themselves.  When I asked the hostess of my Thursday night meetup what to get her kids, she mentioned that her son would like anything with Goldfish on it, and that her daughter would like a diary with a lock.  At this time, it looks very doubtful that the daughter will get what she wants (from me) for Christmas.  But I'll try to do so....

- - - - - -

One of the things I had to do for Christmas was a double gift - I usually get my dad a pair of sweatpants for his birthday, then a sweatshirt on Christmas.  There's not much he can use and safely keep in his nursing home.  So I take care of the clothing, and let my brother come up with the rest of the gift ideas.

Before I did anything today, I made sure to leave my cleaning lady's cell phone outside my door so that her son could pick it up on his way home.  This gave me the option of taking a drive to Jersey to do some clothes shopping, but would force me to do a longer drive to see Patty for dinner tonight.  Instead, I stayed in bed all day, and only started to get dressed when I had just enough time to make it to dinner on time.

The drive to Mamaroneck was god awful.  The rain and the headlights made the road hard to see, and I was wishing I had cancelled dinner for safety's sake.  But Patty and I made it to the restaurant on time and we spent 3 hours chatting about anything and everything.  It's too bad that her husband had the flu - it would have been nice to see him too.  We talked about New Years' plans, and she is going to the place that GFJ and I went a couple of years ago.  I made a joke about showing up as Marian, and she felt that no one would recognize me outside the context in which they knew me.  That's a good sign of how far I've come along in my path towards the feminine.

- - - - - -

All too soon, Patty and I had to part ways.  I decided to call GFJ on my way to Target in Mt. Kisco - but she was either asleep, or enjoying herself in South Jersey.  Again, I was wishing I had stayed at home.  But at least, I found sweats for my dad's year end presents.

It's all a matter of timing and location.

Softball and baseball.  Both are sports played with a bat and a ball.  And both depend very much on the speed of the ball in motion and the location of that ball.  If the subject ball is thrown to the catcher in the right location, it is a strike.  If not, it is a "ball".  But if the subject ball is thrown at the wrong speed in the wrong location, the batter can hit the ball in a way that disadvantages the pitcher's side.  Timing and location of the pitch become quite important in a game that is not played with a clock governing the game.

- - - - - -

Why am I opening up with "Timing and Location" today?  Well, almost everything in today's activities could have been a disaster if the timing and location were different.  For example, today was my monthly visit from my cleaning lady.  I was leaving the house at 12 noon to see BXM.  If I had waited any longer, my cleaning lady might have seen me leave the apartment in my feminine presentation.  Instead, she might have seen me in a feminine presentation, but she didn't see me come out of my apartment.  So she may not have put 2 and 2 together to get 4.

I reached BXM's place around 12:45, and had to wait a long while before she came out.  This habit of hers is frustrating now, because she doesn't have to care for an ailing father.  When we finally got moving, we drove to a little venue near her house, and then went to her favorite thrift shop to do some shopping.  And this is something that, in retrospect, was a total waste of my time.  There is a good reason why a lot of goods make it to the thrift shops - many garments are not stylish enough to keep in a woman's closet after a wearing or two.  Often, the garments are old enough that their style has gone in and out of fashion several times.  I was not impressed with the garments I saw there - my time is much more important to me than inspecting about 6 linear feet of hanging garments to find only 1 or 2 dresses I might consider trying on for size, much less buy for my closets.

Around 4:00, BXM and I left the thrift shop, and she decided to pick up some food at the market around the corner from the thrift shop.  She told me that she'd be 5-10 minutes, and it took her over a half hour in the place.  While waiting for her, the deliveries to the thrift shop started coming in, and I vacated my parking spot instead of being blocked in by the delivery trucks.  So I drove around the corner and across the street to wait for BXM.  After 20 minutes or so, I tried to ring BXM to no avail.  Another 5 minutes later, I tried to ring her again.  No luck.  A few minutes later, I saw her come out of the store.  But I was not going to yell in my male voice to get her attention.  Instead, I'd drive back to the parking lot (but not enter), letting her see that my car was not there.  (She had 5-6 bags of groceries in her hands.)  I figured that I could give her a taste of similar medicine by not being there where and when she expected.  She texted me after a few minutes, and I told her where I was.  When I brought up the 2 phone calls I made to her, she claimed that she has hearing loss (a possibility), but her excuse doesn't fully ring true to me - she was talking with her cousin before I arrived, and she didn't bother to cut that chat short to be on time for me. 

Once I dropped BXM off, I killed time before going to game night.  I had a fun time there, and expect that I will have good news to report to "the gang" next week.  As usual, I ate too many snacks, and this is something I'll have to learn to manage in the future.  Hopefully, I won't eat too many snacks next week, as I'll have a doctor's visit the next day for my yearly physical.

Arriving home, I found 2 messages on my machine.  The first was from the census bureau, looking to find out if I could make it in for a training session on Tuesday.  I'll give the person a call sometime in the morning to say "yes", as I expect that my tenure with the bureau will officially start that morning.  The second call was from my cleaning lady.  She left her phone on my dining room table, and she reached out to find out if she left the phone here.  Only one problem - she gave an 11 digit phone number, not repeating the number  for me to be sure that I got it right, or that she spoke it right.  So I'll wait for her to reach out again, so that I can get her phone back to her as quickly as possible.

My day started with a chat while listening to Perry Mason

The one routine I try to keep every morning is to turn the TV to an "Oldies TV Station" and watch Perry Mason.  Occasionally, I'll sit at my computer desk and read my email wile the show is playing.  But I try to never get into a conversation while the show is on - it's a moment of sanity in the insane world I have to deal with.

- - - - - -

This morning, I was responding to email and messages while the show was on. And I got into an online chat with a friend while "my show" was playing.  I was not yet awake enough to chat on the phone, so I deferred the chat until later on.  And then, I went back to bed and rested for a while.Later on, I got moving and had a bite to eat.  Part of me wishes I didn't, as my scale says that I've gained a bit of weight since Thanksgiving and that I must get back in the habit of eating normally.

In the online chat, the subject of my former cruise partner (FCP) came up.  I mentioned that the main reason I cut off all communication with her was that I do not like being ordered to do things, and that she was trying to order me around as if I were her child.  You might recall (from my previous blog) that I got annoyed when she started to tell me how to cut a piece of steak. Well, I grew up in a household where my mother knew no limits of privacy nor where her limits of control were.  It is no coincidence that I moved over an hour away from my parents.  Unlike my brother, I never had to endure any unannounced visits from my parents, nor did I have to worry about my mother going into my closets, cabinets, or drawers when I was not around.  FCP pushed my buttons, and when she went too far, I knew that I would never go on another cruise with her again.

- - - - - -

I got delayed in doing laundry this afternoon, as I got into a conversation with our co-op's superintendent.  He's a good fellow, and we found out that some information regarding his employment wasn't transferred to the new managing agent from the old agent.  This put the co-op in an awkward situation, as we were not aware of this issue before our end-of-year meeting.  So we will be addressing this issue next month, in order to resolve the issue in an appropriate manner.

Once my laundry was done, I drove to Beacon for the dining meetup.  I was 15 minutes late, and was not able to sit with the main group of people.  Instead, I ended up sitting with one lady, her husband, and a couple of their friends.  This was the first time I got the chance to speak to this lady without her brother being around, as well as the first time I've gotten the chance to speak with this woman's husband.  It might have been fortunate circumstance that I arrived at the restaurant a little late after all.

- - - - - -

On the way home, I stopped at Walmart to find some sweats for my dad.  Unfortunately, the Fishkill store was sold out of everything near my dad's size.  So I may have to order some sweats online and hope they get here before Xmas....

I really didn't need to do a "half and half day" today

Today's entry will be a short one.  There were only two things on my docket and I don't have too much to say about either one of them.

- - - - - -

The first thing I had to take care of today was to get my fingerprints taken for Census Bureau employment.  Since the paperwork said that my photo might be taken, I decided to go to New Rochelle in my female presentation.  It took me a while to find the room where fingerprinting was being done and found out that the photo wasn't being taken at the moment.  So I chatted with the fellow for a few minutes, and then drove home in the rain.

When I got home, I relaxed for a little while, then changed into a masculine presentation. Around 3 pm, I walked to our co-op's "board room" and attended the business half of the meeting.  When we were done there, we adjourned to a nearby restaurant for our end-of-year dinner meeting.  This was a very pleasant gathering, and likely the last board meeting I can guarantee that I'll be there for.

Around 9 pm, I returned home to find an email from the Census Bureau in my mail box.  They forwarded me the forms I'd need to fill out before I can be onboarded.  It looks more and more likely that I'll be employed soon, working as Marian.  I can't wait!  (I only wonder what GFJ will say when I tell her the news.)

A quick stop at Arts Westchester, then off to a meetup in the rain

I feel that I photograph terribly.  No wonder why one of my ex girlfriends never wanted pictures taken of her.  Luckily, I have a couple of photos of her to remember the time we spent together.  However, I doubt that we'll ever bump into each other again.

- - - - - -

Just as I was about to leave for Arts Westchester, I heard two men working in the apartment downstairs from me.  From appearances, the two young people and child that occupied the apartment for 6 months did some damage to the place as they left, also leaving unwanted furniture behind.  Already in female presentation, I walked into the place and started to take pictures until I was asked to leave.  But there are some issues that will need to be taken care of before anyone moves into the apartment.

You'll note that the deck has rotted away.  We have a program to replace all failing wooden decks with more durable material.  However, with no one living in the apartment, there is no one who would complain about this safety hazard.  Therefore, I intend to report this to the co-op board for further action.

Here, you'll note that the glass has a crack, and the window will need to be replaced.  If we get extreme weather, it is possible that the window will fail, allowing outside elements to get into the apartment, causing damage to the building.

And finally, you'll note that the wires to the thermostat have been disconnected.  The light switch below it looks like an amateur installation, not being done by a licensed electrician.  Unfortunately, I did not get the chance to examine things further, as I was asked to leave after taking these pictures.

- - - - - -

I got to Arts Westchester just as the monthly meeting was ending.  Since my only reason to go there today was to drop off a review of the performance of the Westchester Collaborative Theater, I accomplished what I needed to take care of.  After a quick stop at Barnes and Noble for a cup of coffee, I decided to drive to Catherine's to see if I could pick up a second sweater. 

Driving along Route 95 wasn't too bad until I got to Stamford. And from there, it was one long traffic jam to the suburbs of New Haven.  I entered Catherine's while the two employees were taking their dinner break, telling them that they didn't have to stop their meal while I was in the store.  Looking around, I didn't find much that I was really interested in without discounts (I forgot my discount coupon at home - aargh!) other than the sweater I was looking for.  So I put the sweater on the counter and continued my browsing.  When I meandered over to the bras (there were two there that I should have bought while they were half off) the saleslady asked me if I wanted a bra fitting.  (I guess I passed well enough today to be taken as a cis female.)  I declined, but made sure to chat with her for a while before buying the sweater.

- - - - - -

Once done there, it was back to Norwalk for dinner.  While in transit, I stopped by a Mobil station for gas.  I mention the brand and the pit stop because I had problems paying for gas on the way to Catherine's.  When I selected "Pump 3", the phone app mistakenly opened up the pump on the other side of the highway and not my pump. (The location said Route 95 Southbound, where I was at a Northbound pump.) So I cancelled the transaction, and proceeded to drive to the store.  On the way back, I decided to buy gas at the Southbound pump - and everything worked correctly. 

Although I expected to be late for dinner, I was only a few minutes late.  Luckily, I saw the organizer of the meetup at the bar, and she told me where the group was sitting.  It was a smaller group today, but we were able to have better conversations.  All too soon, dinner had to end and I had to make the drive home. 

At least, I made it home safe, after driving on roads which I don't like driving on following heavy rains.

Weekends aren't what they used to be.

No picture can do this artwork justice - it is too large to be captured in a single picture.  To appreciate it, one has to get close to these giant pieces of rolled steel, walk around them and inside them to appreciate them for what they are.  As much as I think the artist (Richard Serra) is an asshole for his reaction to people who rejected his work (Tilted Arc) because it interfered with with their movement in a congested area of Manhattan, I will give him credit for having made interesting, engaging art with large pieces of steel.

You might be asking: why am I starting off with this picture?  It's because my weekend started off with a museum visit with GFJ.  And it's something we used to do more of in the early days of our relationship.

- - - - - -

GFJ and I planned to take the same train into NYC.  That meant that she had to make it to Beacon by 11:00 for an 11:10 train, and I would have to make it to Cortlandt 30 minutes later.  GFJ was expecting that I would meet her in Croton, and was very surprised that I got on the train 1 stop earlier.  We had a pleasant conversation on our way into NYC, with me making commentary on the little things I've noticed in my countless number of commutes into the city.

You'll note in the above picture, that the sign for the Museum of the American Gangster is almost an afterthought in the picture.  This is by design.  The museum is in a small part of the building which houses a Theater, a Bar, and a group of residences.  Who'd suspect the history that this building has unless s/he has taken the museum tour.

The museum of the American Gangster is a small museum with few artifacts.  If you were to go there and look at the main exhibit floor, you'd think you were being ripped off for the $20 admission fee.  And I wouldn't blame you for feeling this way.  I've been to museums which have had many more and better artifacts related to the American Mobs and Prohibition. (For example, one museum I visited has the car that Bonnie and Clyde were in when they were gunned down.  Another had bricks of grape juice, which when "improperly" stored and handled according to cautionary warnings on the box, would "accidentally" turn from grape juice into wine. And the Museum of the American Constitution in Philadelphia had a "Whiskey 8" motorcar on display.)

There are two redeeming things about this museum.  The first is that the is housed in a former brothel, and the tour walks you from the brothel area, through the speakeasy (now a legal bar), and ends in the ballroom of the speakeasy where the "Swells" danced the night away.  The other thing about the museum was the tour guide.  She gave a reasonably comprehensive history of the American Mob up to the 1970's in a 60 minute tour, and provided tidbits that my readings on the subject did not cover. (I love reading about vice in America, and enjoy visiting places such as "Miss Dolly's" (in Ketchikan, AK) for their immoral history.  (BTW - I missed "Miss Dolly's" on my trip to Alaska because of my then ignorance, and will go to that museum if I get there again.)

- - - - - -

Once we were done with the museum, we went to Chinatown, ending up at the Nom Wah Tea Parlor.  And that's where we gorged on Dim Sum.  YUM!   By the time we finished our meal, we had a single "meal sized" egg roll left, and I asked for it to be put into a doggie bag to go.  However, I wasn't really into bringing this treat home with me, nor was GFJ into doing it due to the length of our trips home.  If I had seen a trash receptacle, I'd have deposited the egg roll there.  But I ended up doing something that someone was grateful for.  There was a homeless person on the street begging for money - and he was very glad that I gave him that egg roll.  I guess providence was guiding me today without me knowing it.

Next, GFJ was interested in seeing Rockefeller Center's Christmas Tree.  So we took the train to Times Square, and walked to 50th street and over to 5th avenue.  The area was jam packed with people, and it was almost impossible to get a view of the tree.  But we were able to get a couple of pictures before moving on.  When we reached 5th avenue, we couldn't move any further.  Saks 5th Avenue's store Christmas Light display was causing people to pack themselves in like sardines to watch the animated display of lights.  When the active display ended, we could barely get into a position to make it to St. Patrick's Cathedral.

The last time I was at St. Pat's, the place was under renovation.  Tonight, I can appreciate why so many people consider the cathedral a special place (from a non religious viewpoint). It is a beautiful building.  But it is not a church I'd want to attend - if one were to attend services there, one is merely a face in the crowd.  This is not the feeling I want when I go to church.  About 20 minutes later, we left the church and went back to Grand Central for our train home.  We got there with about 10 minutes to spare before the train left - and had a relaxing ride up the river with nothing serious being said.

All in all it was a pleasant day, and it was the type of thing we should have done more often to keep things special between the two of us.

- - - - - -            - - - - - -            - - - - - -

Sunday came early, and I didn't.  I should say that the sun came out, and I turned off all of my alarms then slept until the afternoon.  This, I expect, should screw up my sleep patterns for the next week or two.

There was a basket of clothes to be washed, a basket of clean clothes to put away, and a pile of folded clothes on the other side of the bed waiting to go into dresser drawers - all waiting for me to take care of them.  Since my cleaning lady would be expected to come this Thursday for her monthly visit,  this would be the perfect day to straighten things up, pick up a Christmas gift or two, and make some productive use of my time.  But did I do most of this?  Nooooooo!

For the most part, I lounged around all day until 6:30 pm or so.  Eventually, I made it to BJ's where I didn't find what I was looking for (a pair of sweats I could give to my dad on his birthday and on Xmas), but still ended up spending $90 or so.  On the way home from there, I chatted with GFJ, and then picked up stuff at the supermarket before going home for the night.

- - - - - -

I don't feel bad about today's inactivity because I have a busy week ahead of me.  Tomorrow, I'll have an Arts Westchester meeting followed by a Fun Time Friends meetup. Tuesday will have me seeing people for a Census Bureau position, then attending the last co-op board meeting of the year.  Wednesday will be relatively free, as I only have dinner with the Beacon Dining Meetup Group on my schedule.  Thursday is dedicated to Lunch with BXM, followed by games in Yonkers.  (I may use the gap between these two events to either see a movie or to pass my my brother's place to check on things.) And Friday will likely be my weekly stint at the LGBT Center, followed by dinner with Patty.  Now, if only I could find some time to see about applying for Global Entry (and scheduling an in-person appointment), so that I can get a TSA Trusted Traveler number and expedited customs clearance when I return on an international flight.










  

It's hard to believe that after 30+ years, it may come to this.

Recently, I talked with my brother.  He has had a troubled marriage for a while.  Every time a major milestone in his life is about to happen, it seems as if his wife tries to sabotage things. The older they get, the worse the damage she cause to herself and to my brother.  He is at the breaking point, and is considering a legal action from which there is no return.

- - - - - -

About 31 years ago, my brother got married because his wife-to-be was slightly pregnant. (You can barely see her baby bump in their wedding pictures.)  From the beginning of their marriage, in retrospect one could see that they were sailing into stormy waters. There were the expected problems for a 25 year old man without a college degree on Long Island trying to make his way back then: jobs that didn't pay well enough to take care of his family, a career in a dead end industry, and real estate costs that were starting to go through the roof. But the worst problem was one that was not under his control - his wife's first son, his stepson.

My step-nephew is best described as a ne'er-do-well who got good at being a leech.  He is intellectually lazy, and his work ethic is less than nonexistent.  Even when given a job that paid well just to show up at the front door, he screwed that up.  He is an addict, and has hurt every one of his friends and family as a result of his addictions.  Every family member and friend who agreed to give him a place to live had to kick him out because he was stealing from them to feed his addictions.

During the course of their marriage, my sister in law developed her own addiction, and had to deal with the consequences of her actions.  Until recently, she was clean and sober for over a decade.  This is not an easy thing to do.  And then she took on the "responsibility" to house her eldest son again....

- - - - - -

You'll note that I have glossed over a lot of details.  If I stated too much, a casual reader might be able to identify my brother's family - and I want to respect his privacy.

This summer, GFJ and I went to a small gathering at my brother's place, and my sister in law did not show her face all day.  Supposedly, she was feeling sick, and needed to stay in bed.  With what I know now, I'd bet that she was nursing a hangover.

A few weeks ago, I'm visiting my dad in the nursing home and he tells me that there was trouble between my brother and his wife.  When I saw my brother afterwards, he opens up to me and says the same thing and more.  He's in a position where a divorce would ruin them both financially, and he's trying to avoid it.

My sister in law's addiction resulted in familial problems that have scarred my brother and his two children. In talking with my brother and my niece (in separate conversations), I have found that the love of a man for his wife and the love of a daughter for her mother has effectively been snuffed out.  My brother planned to do the "until death do us part" thing, because it was the right thing to do. And later on, he planned to do it, so that both he and his wife could avoid financial disaster.  My nephew went to the other side of the continent to escape his parents.  And my niece's choice of husband may have been a conscious way to live as far away from the fighting going on in the family homestead.  But now, I doubt the marriage will last more than another year or two.

- - - - - -

Divorce in late middle age is not something to be done on a whim.  GFJ knows this from her divorce settlement.  There was enough money saved and property owned to take care of 2 people together as they grew old.  But divided, those assets would provide for a less comfortable existence for each of the former partners. GFJ's financial status will likely be a concern for the rest of her life.  So when my brother mentioned divorce as a serious option, I knew that he was close to his breaking point.

My sister in law is destroying herself, and will take my brother down with her if he lets it happen.  I'll be there for my brother no matter what happens.  But I can't help but feel sad for my sister in law - her maternal instincts got in the way of her sobriety.  As for my step-nephew, he's a person better lost than found - and may he stay that way forever.

My plans had me going into "The City" this evening, but....

This place used to have an outpost in Beacon, NY.  It served relatively good Dim Sum.  But they couldn't make a go of their suburban location.  Luckily the original establishment survived, and that it takes credit cards.  Otherwise I wouldn't be able to meet there with one of my Facebook friends.

- - - - - -

The other day, I confirmed getting together with one of my Facebook friends for a Dim Sum dinner.  However, she needed a place which would take credit cards.  Since I'm "old school" and use cash for many of my transactions, we couldn't go to the Nom Wah Tea Parlor as planned.  So I had to hunt around online for Chinatown restaurants that I am moderately familiar with AND which take credit cards.  Even though I've never been to Dim Sum Go Go in Chinatown, I was at their former Beacon location.  So I figured that they would serve an acceptable meal at a reasonable price.

Around 3 pm, I moseyed to the LGBT Center and did my weekly volunteer stint.  Today's assignment was to tag contact list entries as having attended the 2019 Transgender Forum. And if it weren't for a long winded conversation I had, I would have completed this task by 6 pm.  Instead, 1/3 of my list was left to be completed.

From the LGBT Center, I drove to Pelham and missed another late train.  I wasn't worried, as the next train was expected around 6:30.  However, the train was not on time, as it was 15 minutes late. (BRRRR!!!!   It was awfully cold on the platform while waiting for the train.)   This was not the only problem.  Once on the train, we were further delayed by a situation which required police activity.  I felt lucky that my friend asked me to change our meeting time from 8:00 to 8:30.

Once I got to Grand Central, I took the express downtown and walked to the restaurant from the Brooklyn Bridge station.  Then I decided to wait inside the restaurant because I was 30 minutes early. And wait I did.  Little did I know my friend was trying to reach me on the phone I didn't carry with me, and wasn't going to leave her house until she reached me.  So I ended up giving up hope for a dinner for two, and enjoyed a Dim Sum dinner for one.  Because I figured that it was a typical signals crossed situation, I wasn't angry.  I wasn't even frustrated.  Instead, I realized that I screwed up a little, and it was a "no harm, no foul" situation.  So when I was done with dinner, I walked back to the subway and headed home.

I entered my apartment around 11:30 pm, and found a series of messages on my Facebook page.  My friend was trying to reach me, but this avenue was the one avenue I don't have available to me on my cell phone.  So I texted her, and we chatted online for about 30 minutes.

- - - - - -

Tomorrow, I'll be going into NYC with GFJ to see the American Gangster Museum.  After that, we'll go to eat.  I'm not in the mood for a serious conversation, as I expect to hear bad news.  And I don't want to deal with that bad news until after the Holiday season.  But if I have to deal with it, I will....


 

This was going to be a busy afternoon and evening

It's hard to believe that it's been over 8 years since I've seen Marilyn in proper perspective. Her fame was larger than life, but her life was shorter than she deserved.  Sadly, there is only one place this sculpture should be viewed, and I doubt it will ever make it to New York, where there are subways to give Marilyn a proper updraft....

- - - - - -

Today was the last day of this semester's speech therapy sessions, and I will miss them - even though they weren't as useful as prior semesters' sessions.  Coming off of two semesters with a mature student clinician and experienced clinical supervisor and now experiencing sessions with a pair of young ladies and an inexperienced clinical supervisor, I have become disillusioned to the process.  If I do this again, I will likely go back to having Saturday sessions, so that I can have the more experienced clinical supervisor monitoring my sessions.

Around 2:30, I drove to Mercy for the last time this semester, and had my last session with the w student clinicians.  It was pleasant but sad at the same time.  I won't go into too much detail about the session, save that they recommended full 1 hour sessions for next semester.  If this can be done at the same price I'm now paying, I'll consider it.

Next, was a trip to white plains for the Arts Westchester holiday party.  On the way up, I had the chance to speak with my brother before he flew to England.  Hopefully, he'll have a great time, because life in New York these days is becoming a disaster.  The holiday party was a pleasant diversion, as I got to meet several people I don't usually meet on a monthly basis.  However, I made sure to mention the possibility of getting the Census Bureau job to the volunteer coordinator, as I didn't want her not to know why I might not be attending meetings next year.

Once done there, it was down to Yonkers for some game playing.  Today, we played 2 rounds of Code Names.  It's not my favorite game, but it's nice to play once in a while. Again, I had the chance to relate my latest news to my friends there, and they are also keeping their fingers crossed for me.

On the way home, I chatted with GFJ.  We will probably fo into NYC on Saturday.  But the way she wants to go there precludes us resuming any closeness.  I feel she has made her decision regarding the two of us, and is waiting until after Christmas to drop the final bombshell.  It's sad.  If we had argued and got angry at each other now and then, I'd have been aware of her feelings and showed her how special she is.  But it looks like that ship may have sailed, and that I'd better soon get on with the process of experiencing my grief for something lost that shouldn't have been so.

Ambivalence is the order of the day

Lately, I've been caught in a web of ambivalent feelings.  Now that options are being made available to me, I have mixed feelings about my choices.  This may be a good thing, as 5.5 years of semi-retirement have taught me the value of having time to myself.

- - - - - -

Today started with a couple of calls, one of them being spam.  The other was a reminder that my iPad was ready to be picked up from the fixit shop, and that I should get there today. But I was tired from the night before, as I first went to sleep without my CPAP mask on, and then stayed awake until 5-6 am or so.  There was no way I'd be up and out the door around 10, so I let myself wake up when my body wanted to do so.

Around 1 pm, I moseyed over to the fix-it shop and picked up my iPad.  Then, it was over to the library to pick up some books that were being held for me. Unfortunately, only 2 of the 3 books were available.  But that should give me a head start in catching up on things, as 1 of the books looks like it'll be a heavy read.

- - - - - -

The other day, when I got the first call from the census bureau, I wasn't sure if I wanted the position.  My reason was simple - unless the money was too good to refuse, I didn't want to work as Mario again.  Instead, I wanted (and still want) to work as Marian.  But with the current anti-TG political regime in Washington, I wasn't sure about taking on the Office Operations Supervisor position. Did I want to go to work as Mario to earn a few extra dollars, or did I want to spend as much time as possible as Marian?

During the past week, I surveyed several people I knew from the TG community about whether I should: (1) Go to work as Mario for the duration of the job, (2) First go to work as Mario, and transition to Marian on the job, or (3) Start off going into work as Marian, even if it meant not getting the position in the first place.  Given that I knew of at least one cisgender male who goes to work in female garb, I figured that I needed to find out whether I could do so before starting the pre-employment process.
 
When I got home from today's errands, I returned yesterday's call asking whether I received paperwork. While on the phone, I took the opportunity to ask whether there would be any problems with me being gender non-conforming.  And I was told that this would not be a problem.  YAY!  Now, I am much more comfortable with the idea of taking on this position, as I can go in to work in female mode every day.

I really didn't want to get up and out early, but....

After I got home from Church on Sunday, I decided to hunker down and wait for the end of the expected snow storm.  At the end of the first wave of snow, GFJ had 4 inches on the ground, while we had gotten much less down here.  Since the weathermen were predicting another 6 inches or so around here, Monday's activities were postponed or cancelled. So I was prepared for the worst when I got up this morning - and the worst didn't happen....

- - - - - -

My alarms were set to wake me up before 8 am.  This would give me enough time to clean off my car, then go inside to shower, shave, and get dressed as Mario.  Around 10:30, I'd drive to the outskirts of Peekskill, so that I could have an interview for a technology administrator position that was scheduled yesterday.  By the time I got outside to clean off my car, there wasn't much snow on the ground, nor was there much on my car.  Instead, there was about .75cm of ice covering the glass surfaces, which I proceeded to melt with a bottle of alcohol spray I keep in the car for this purpose.

The clock hit 10:30, and off to Peekskill I drove, reaching a site down the road from the resource recovery center on John Walsh Boulevard. (This is a part of Peekskill not connected to the downtown business district, and to be safe, I used my GPS to get there.) Once upstairs, I ended up waiting for about 10 minutes before my interview.  Although the interview went well, I don't think I'm the person they want for the job.  My skill sets are rusty, and I don't feel I was at my best.  What I found most interesting about the interview was the use of a script explaining what the census was and why it is done.  (I'll bet that they've had too many people over the years asking dumb questions that they should have learned in a Civics class - if this class was still offered in schools.)  The 2 questions I had, they couldn't answer - When would I hear back from them? and When would they expect me to start if offered the position? The fact that they couldn't supply that information says their ramp up process is flawed.

Once I was done with the Census Bureau, I decided to bring my iPad back to the place that installed a new battery.  I said that it wasn't working, and let the tech take the device in for analysis. Although he said that he'd look at the iPad right away, I'd be just as happy if he didn't have it ready until tomorrow morning....

- - - - - -

I left later than I should for tonight's dining meetup, and I was the last person there.  Everyone else was already seated, so I stood near a table or two, and chatted for a while with the groups at each table.  Unfortunately, there was one group that I didn't speak with much - and I'll be sure to catch up with them next week.  Because I was the only person sitting at a table with no one with me (about 7 or 8 people cancelled for the evening), the group at one table and I moved to a larger table, where we all had room to spread out.  I'm glad that the group's hostess thought of this - she is a nice lady.

On the way home, I called GFJ, and she called back just as I was hitting a Route 9 cell phone dead spot.  Once out of the dead spot, I called her back, and we chatted about things until I reached the Walmart in Mohegan Lake.  $20 later, I left the store and headed home for the night.

Stepping Stones

When I first tried to enter the workforce years ago, I encountered a problem common to many young people.  In order to get a job, I first needed to have a job.  Now that I'm an older person, I have that same problem again.  It would be much easier for me to find work if I were already employed.  Well, it looks like this problem may soon have a resolution. 

- - - - - -

My alarms woke me up at 8:30, and brought me to full consciousness by 9:00. My TV was turned to my usual channel, and my favorite courtroom drama was playing when I got another call from the Census Bureau.  This time, they were calling me about the IT position that I really was looking for when I filed paperwork with them.  So when my TV show ended, I returned the call and now I have an interview scheduled for tomorrow morning.  Hopefully, I'll get an offer before I'd have to start the other position mentioned in an earlier entry. 

Even though the Census positions are temporary, they would be stepping stones I could use to find work outside of government.  Of course, I'd want to socially transition while on the job, so that I could interview as Marian and leave Mario behind when looking for work. So, I won't get too far ahead of myself.  Instead, I'll hold off from scheduling my planned cruise and assume that 2020 will be a year without a vacation for me.

Once I was done with the Census Bureau, I looked at today's weather forecast.  There was no way that I was going to go to today's Arts Westchester meeting, and even much less of a chance that I'd go to today's Fun Time Friends meetup.  (Note: By mid morning, I received an email from Arts Westchester's volunteer coordinator that the meeting was rescheduled for next week.) This freed up my day, and allowed it to be a Jammie Day.  And then, I received a text from SWD saying that she couldn't make lunch today.  Well, the expected snow became a fortunate coincidence, as I had our lunch scheduled for Wednesday.  I'd have hated to have crossed signals with her.  So we rescheduled our lunch for 2 1/2 weeks from now.

- - - - - -

Around 1:00 pm, the weather forecast predicted that 6" to 12" of snow would fall in my area. There was no way that I'd go out in this weather.  Instead, I decided to stay in and take care of things that I could take care of indoors - and prepare to get up early tomorrow to clean off my car AND to go to the interview that I scheduled before paying attention to the weather report.

A weekend whose plan changed before it really started

Considering how busy GFJ and I would be this Thanksgiving, we decided that we'd get together for a date sometime after her two sons left for home.  With the expected snow to come on Sunday, we changed our plans, so that we could see a movie on Saturday night, then go out to eat.

- - - - - -

Saturday came, and I didn't bother getting up until noon.  Not only didn't I have much to do.  But a couple of books that I placed on hold with the library had yet to come in.  So my original plan of spending the day as Marian was completely scotched because of the change of plans mentioned in the prior paragraph.  That was OK with me, as I hate getting dressed, only to switch into my alternate presentation for the second half of the day.

Around 3 pm, I left for Newburgh where Midway was playing.  It was the only film that the two of us could agree on - either she had seen the film before, or it didn't hold interest to her.  So we agreed to meet at 4 pm, and I started my drive at 3:10.  Why do I mention exact times?  Well, I got stuck behind a couple of tourists on Route 9, and couldn't push the speed limit as much as I'd like.  (This is just as well, as I know I drive a little over the limit at times.) But what bothered me is that when I crossed the bridge, there was a big traffic jam just beyond old exit 10.  So I bailed out before the jam, and took back roads to the theater.  Luckily, I had taken most of these roads at least once before, and knew enough to follow the convoy from old exit 10 to a spot near old exit 7a, ending up less than a block away from the theater.

I arrived at the theater 5 minutes late, and we sat down to watch the film just as the movie started.  Perfect timing - we didn't have to sit through the trailers.  Midway is an enjoyable war flick, but I have one unavoidable criticism: They had to use CGI animation for all of the external aircraft carrier, US/Japanese aircraft, and air battle scenes, as there are no longer enough aircraft from either side to simulate the air battles.  With this being said, I had to give the film makers credit for making things look as real as possible.  If I weren't so familiar with CGI renditions of real life objects, I wouldn't have thought about CGI being used in the film.

When the film ended, GFJ noted that the air battles had too much gun fire.  Part of me wanted to say "Duh!" but I didn't want to upset her - she probably compromised to find a film that I might like.  Instead, I said that we should go for dinner - and it was off to the Chinese Buffet nearby. All too soon, dinner ended and we had to go our separate ways. 

Later in the evening, my brother responded to a message I sent him.  And he surprised me by telling me that he finally bought a new phone - a Motorola Z4.  I think he'll be very happy with it.  If I didn't already have the Z3, I'd be buying the Z4 for less than I paid for the Z3.

- - - - - -            - - - - - -            - - - - - -

Sunday came, and I woke up early enough to go to church.  As much as I don't plan to be a regular church goer, there is something I like in the old rituals that gives me comfort.   Due to the nature of religion, change comes slowly to the traditional service structure, and it's easy to pick up where one left off.  If one is Catholic, you might remember when the church gave its approval for services to be given in the vulgar (read: common) tongue.  In my church, the idea of "sharing the peace" was cribbed from changes occurring in the Catholic church at that time. 

Sometimes, during a church service, my mind veers away from the service itself and onto simple ideas I wouldn't put together outside of a serene setting.  Today, my mind started focusing on the word "communion" and how it relates to "community."  From there, I connected the dots to the word "Communism" and I could see the disconnect between many "Conservative Christians" and the belief structure contained in the scriptures.

John Calvin posited that if you were going to be blessed by God in the afterlife, that God would be rewarding you in this life.  Prosperity would become an indicator of being blessed. In short, we have the beginnings of the false gospel of prosperity that many people believe in.  Today, many Evangelicals have given up the underlying message of Christianity (Feed the hungry, heal the sick, help the poor, etc.) and are doing the exact opposite. They are judging people without knowing the circumstances which affect those in need.

Communion, Community and Communism - What is the link connecting these words?  It is a community coming together to take care of its needy.  Sadly, the word "Communism" has been contaminated by the flawed political system and flawed economic theory that is associated with that word.  The Red Scare of the 1950's still haunts us today.  Use the words "Communism" or "Socialism" and one triggers up cultural memories of an era where America's propaganda machine labeled the Eastern Bloc as Atheists without morals or ethics. If one lived in this bloc before the Soviet Union fell, one would see his/her government as a problem, and see America's propaganda as just that.  They would feel that America has no soul - we were caught in crass commercialism and materialism.

When the service ended, I was again reminded of the healthy version of these words.  Communion - coming together to share ideas which make us better as individuals and as a group.  Community - being part of a larger group, and not needing to be alone in this world. Communism - the idea that we voluntarily share with others so that their needs can be taken care of.   No matter what that faith is, Christian, Jewish, Muslim, etc., a healthy faith teaches us that we are all part of something larger than we are, and that we should take an active part in improving that larger whole.

- - - - - -

After church, I took a quick trip to the grocery store in advance of the incoming storm.  Unlike many people, all I needed was enough stuff to get me through a day or two. When the storm passes, the roads will be quickly cleared, and I can go out again.  Until then, I might as well do another load of laundry.

The last month of the year tends to be the businest month for me.

December.  It's the best month to visit New York City, as all the store Christmas decorations are on display, and it's not too cold to enjoy walking around the neighborhoods.  But it's also the busiest time for people like me, as we use this period as an excuse to excessively schedule our time to meet as many people as possible.

- - - - - -

As most of my readers know, GFJ and I have broken our routines for the last 5 years.  Whether we will go back to where we once were is up to her.  All I can do is be available. Therein lies an interesting conundrum for me.  Given what happened about a month or so ago, I have started to book my weekends independent of her.

Since the beginning of September, our schedules have grown a little out of sync with each other.  I've had my cruise, she's had her vacation in Florida, she will be spending an upcoming weekend going to a baby shower and to see her son, and we will likely be apart for the holidays.  Do I want to invest time in her without assurance of a positive return?  It's a hard question for me to answer, as I'm afraid of opening up my heart again only to have it broken. 

Recently, she hinted that she wanted to get together on a specific weekday, and I said that I wasn't too sure of what I had going on.  This was true - I didn't bother to check my calendar. I knew that I had a couple of things to take care of, but I wasn't sure about having dinner. And I knew that both of us would be busy for the next two weeks, save for a weekend day when we were free from family duties.  So we had dinner together and another long talk.

Throughout the rest of the month, I expect that there will be even more conflicts in our schedules.  My brother is going to England soon, and will be there for two weeks.  Since I have to be in the NYC area for my Dad while my brother is away, there is no way I could accompany GFJ to see her son even if I were asked to go. The rest of December will be very busy, as my meetup groups and other gatherings are filling up most open days and evenings up to the end of the year.

Given where I am in life, the problem of being Marian vs. having Romance has reared its ugly head, and I have no clean solution that allows me complete happiness.  All I can do is muddle through, and look for a solution which provides a reasonable amount of happiness. I've been honest about the trade offs I am willing to make, and I hope that they are enough to maximize my potential return on romantic investment.

I have a good, but temporary feeling....

This morning, I got a call back from the US Census Bureau.  They asked me if I was interested in an Office Operations Supervisor position.  Considering it was an "inside job" (Full Time) located less than 5 miles away from home (Peekskill), I figured that I might as well say that I was interested in this temporary position, and accept that I could make a few extra bucks while waiting for a better position to come along.

- - - - - -

Normally, I don't answer my phone between 9 and 10 in the morning.  Once Fred Steiner's tune (Park Avenue Beat) begins to play and Raymond Burr's image (as Perry Mason) appears on my TV, my telephone will not get answered until the end of the show.  It is a guilty pleasure of mine, and it might be the one reason I may eventually subscribe to the CBS All Access streaming channel in the future.  (Of course, having Star Trek and The Twilight Zone there doesn't hurt either.) But once the show ends, I make myself available to people who want to talk with me. Today was a day where I followed my typical routine.

Around 9:30, the lady called from the census bureau looking to contact me.  A little while after the show had ended (and I had a chance to fully wake up), I called her back. A short description of this position follows:

As an Office Operations Supervisor, you will be responsible for the supervision of the day-to-day activities of the office clerks who support payroll, recruiting or supply management. Also monitoring the quality of work including the status and production.

However, the script that was read to me had much more detail than the two sentence blurb above.  When she read the script about the position, I picked up on the following information:

Assists in:

• Payroll
• Inventory Management
• Clerical Tasks
• Flow Control
• Quality Assurance

Hours: 8-4 or 9-5      5 days/week     8 hours/day
Hired on for 8 weeks at a time. 
Trains Clerks and reviews their work
Monitors Progress against time critical schedules.

You'll note that the two sentence blurb contains all the same information I wrote down in my notes. But with both my notes and the blurb, I have a better idea of what will be expected of me - and from this job, I could eventually get an office manager job at a small business.  (This just happens to be the same kind of position that my late wife had.  My collar may be getting pinker every day.😀 )  However, this is not the position I really would have liked to have been called back for. (I had applied for a position which involved the maintenance of computer equipment on the same site.)  But if it can keep me from having to drain my savings account for a few months, it's worth taking on the position for 8 weeks at a time. The only problems I see are that I can't schedule my vacation cruise when I want to take it, I lose my flexibility to do things in the daytime, and I may have to be at work by 8 am.  OUCH!

- - - - - -

The big question:  Would I be able to socially transition on the job?





PS: The more I looked at the email and paperwork I received, it looks like I've been given an offer, as long as I pass a background check and get fingerprinted.  Although they had a training class the week following next, it interfered with long booked plans.  So I scheduled my fingerprinting for the day before that class, so that I'd have to be scheduled for a later class.  But I will ask one question before I go in for my fingerprinting - I am gender non conforming, with plans to transition.  Can I go for my ID card in my feminine presentation, and have the familiar, not my formal given name on the ID card?

Thanksgiving - And nothing got in the way to mar it except traffic.

I'm not sure of what I can and should say about today.  Nothing bad happened.  But part of me would rather have stayed in Westchester and taken advantage of an invite I had to spend the day with my friends from Game Night.

- - - - - -

Not sleeping well last night, I set the alarms to get me moving around 11 - and slept through my favorite TV show of the day.  I prefer the fictional courtroom drama of Perry Mason to the real life political drama going on today.  There is a part of me that always wants to see justice done, and real life doesn't provide enough of that for my taste.  By the time I finally got out the door, it was 1 pm, and I was about an hour late.

My drive to Long Island was uneventful until I reached the Bronx.  From there, traffic slowed to a crawl, and I was forced to get on side streets to make it to the bridge.  Once I was across the bridge, I went back onto side streets again to make it to my brother's place, arriving there at 3 pm, when I was expected at 2.  This was not a problem, as my brother had already picked up my dad from the nursing home, and the turkey was almost cooked.

We chatted about many things, and brought my dad back to the nursing home around 8.  One area of discussion covered addiction, choice of mate, and how relationships flounder. And that gave me an opening to discuss my criteria for choosing my late wife, my issues with Ex-GF-M, and some of the issues GFJ and I are having with each other.  (By my mention of complacency in the relationship, I avoided the need to talk about my transgender nature.) He touched on similar issues he had with his wife.  And we both (at different times) brought up our problems with my niece to make sure that she knows when to cut and run from a dysfunctional relationship.

Eventually, it was time to go home. And I hit only one small traffic jam on the way home.  On the whole, it was a good day - especially, since my brother was able to open up to me and that I didn't have to see my sister in law as expected.  (Nothing against her, save that her presence would have gotten in the way of my chat with my brother.)

Phone calls : Sometimes, my land line can be useful

Landlines and telephone calls.  Most of the time these days, they are spam calls for me.  But sometimes, keeping the old land line still has some value to me. Today was one of them.

- - - - - -

In no particular order, over the past few days, I received calls from the following:

1. GFJ (We talk almost every day).
2. My Accountant (I had some questions, and I wasn't able to call her back).
3. The US Census Bureau (I had applied for a position, and this may have been about the first position I applied for).

GFJ had sent me a series of messages which gave me something to think about.  In short, both of us may have been getting a little bit lazy in our relationship, and she noted that she was getting jealous of my scheduling time with Patty and with my niece to do special things.  Why not GFJ?  Mind you, she noted that she was doing the same thing when she schedule a vacation with her friend.  So it was not blaming the problem on me, as it was blaming the problem on us.  This means that part of our problems can be fixed - as long as we stay aware of things.  And we will likely have another intense conversation about this the next time we're together.

Next was my accountant.  She and I have been playing telephone tag.  What I wanted to know was how much money I'd need to hold in reserve to pay estimated taxes on this year's income.  I cashed out an IRA in 2018 that raised my income by $4,600, and I had to pay about $4,000 in estimated taxes on all my 2018 income.  How much less would it be if I booked $4,600 less income?  Then, I had to find out how much money extra I should withdraw, if I withdrew $5,000 to take a special cruise.  Based on the information she gave me, I think I'll need to withdraw an extra $7,500 to pay for the cruise AND pay for the estimated tax payments through the year.  (I'll call her after the holiday to confirm my guesstimates.)

Finally, I received a call from the US Census Bureau regarding a position I previously applied for.  Since I applied for both an "inside" computer related position, as well as an "outside" census taking position, I am not sure of which position the lady was calling about.  She said to return the call before the end of the day, but she must have left early.  At least, I was able to leave a message on her machine.

- - - - - -

Later on in the day, I got ready to go to Fran's place for a pre-Thanksgiving party.  Fran is "out there", a transwoman who marches to her own beat.  Going to one of her parties means being there to hear Fran sing karaoke, as well as watch her perform a scene from her play based on her own life. It's not the best of places to meet someone and chat - Fran (and her daughter) love to be the center of attention, and will command it.  Yet, it's far from as bad as I'm making this sound. One can have the conversations I thrive on as soon as Fran is "off stage".

On the way to Fran's place, I stopped at Ulta Beauty to pick up some Dermablend foundation.  Although I got my container in a slightly different shade than usual, I figure that the face powder I use to set the foundation will bring it to the color I seek.  (I do it already with a slightly different color.  So I should be able to accomplish the same with this shade of flesh tone.)  After I was finished at Ulta, I drove to Fran's and parked around the corner from her place.  (Before I go on any further, there is no street parking where she lives, and all guests are asked to park at the church next door.)  Before I had the chance to  sit down, I was "accosted" by Kelly, and got the latest scoop from her.  And then, I was finally able to sit and relax.

After a couple of conversations and too much dessert, the party started to break up.  And it was time for me to go home.  In the past, I'd be chatting with FCP.  But that boat has long sailed away.  Normally, I'd call GFJ.  But her sons were at her place for Thanksgiving, and I expected that she'd be busy with them.  So I drove home listening to the radio instead.





GFJ
US Census
Evelyn

Thinking about an old friend

I first met WDS when I was 16.  That was about 46 years ago.  He lived around the block from the college we once attended.  In many ways, he was the smarter of the two of us.  Yet, he was the one to praise my intelligence.  He never graduated from the school. Yet, he had a more successful technical career than I had.  He had the drive to keep up with changing times and provide for his own security, where I was secured by the bronze handcuffs of the firm I once worked for.

WDS was born in South America, and immigrated to the US at a young age.  I don't know much about his pre-college years, as we never discussed that part of his life.  At the time I met him, he was playing around with experimental music.  But the thing we had most in common was an interest in programming computers.  He saw me as the young kid who'd sneak into computer centers to have his programs run. (I was the type who'd hack security to do what I wanted to do, but never had the wish to cause others any harm.) He was the more pragmatic one of our motley pairing. Education was to serve a purpose, and when formal education was no longer needed, he dispensed with it.

There is a several year difference in our ages, and he was the one who first found a full time job.  A year later, I followed suit, and left the world of day-time studies.  (I finished my undergraduate degree at night, taking 4 calendar years to finish my last year of studies.)   Eventually, we ended up in the same firm - for about 2 weeks.  And then, our career paths never crossed again.  However, we did take advantage of the fact that we were young, had high incomes, and no responsibilities.  I can still remember going into Greenwich Village for a French Dinner that cost each of us $100 - almost 40 years ago.  (Could you imagine what I could have done had I been more frugal with my money?)

As with most cisgender males, women have a "nasty" habit of coming into our lives.  I never was that successful in dating. But WDS was, and got married to a woman who couldn't stand my presence.  So we lost contact for several years.  And then, out of the blue, WDS reestablished contact after getting a divorce and our friendship was renewed.  A few years later, WDS met another woman and married her.  This time things were better - the two of them got along well, and his wife was able to tolerate (if not feel comfortable with) my friendship with WDS.

During this era, I got a job with the bank, and was there for 30 years.  I also met my wife, and WDS was best man at our wedding.  But our lives grew further and further apart - we had very different interests, and WDS had the social polish that I could never have.  (His father was a successful man in South America, and made sure that he had the social skills to travel in any social circle.)

My friend was there for me when my wife took ill and when she died.  And I was there for him when his wife committed suicide. Sadly, she suffered from the same type of cancer that took my late wife, and didn't want to spend the last 2 months of her life doped up and unable to have rational thought. Almost a decade later, I can still remember the basic details of that evening as if it were yesterday.

The last time I saw WDS was at a local pizzeria.  He came up to meet me and Ex-GF-M.  We had a nice lunch, and I always thought that I would see him again.  That hasn't happened.  However, about t years later, he sent me a gift - a fully loaded iPad Air 2, with LTE for when I don't have WiFi access.  This must have set him back a nice penny.

In the years since then, we have communicated exclusively by email.  I neither have a mailing address or phone number for him.  He does work for the local "Agility" (competitive dog training) circuit where he lives, but there is little trace of him otherwise.  I know that he kept busy doing very technical things - software technology that I don't even understand.  He has suggested that I get back into programming.  But I wouldn't know how to get back in and make a buck from it.  So I decided to take down my technology shingle and let youngsters with more energy stay in that rat race.





WDS does not yet know that I am trans.  I just wonder what would happen when or if he finds out....

The only thing I bothered doing was as Mario

I didn't have much to do today.  So I ended up staying inside until I went to dinner with GFJ as Mario.  No laundry, even though I had (3 or more) loads waiting for me to bring downstairs.  No straightening up the apartment, even though I've made a big mess of this place since my cleaning lady's last appearance.  And no shopping, although that would have occupied some time and alleviated some of the boredom I've been dealing with lately.

My transgender nature is a problem for GFJ, and I won't go into many details here.  Although I've said that Mario will always be available for her, she is uncomfortable when I present as Marian.  This is easy to understand.  But it has caused us problems, and I'd bet that she'd always have some reservations about Marian unless she were to learn how not to see Marian as a threat to her relationship with Mario.  Strangely enough, she had always encouraged my growth as Marian, and now things once repressed are now coming to the surface.

Driving to Newburgh for dinner is something I don't mind doing.  And we had a pleasant dinner once I arrived.  (She took a nap in the diner's parking lot while waiting for me - she was already in town, and it didn't make sense to go home just to come right back to eat.)  But after dinner, we had another serious conversation where nothing much was resolved.  Yet, with nothing final taking place, there is always hope we can come to an acceptable resolution of our issues.

- - - - - -

On the way home, I called my brother to find out what's going on in his life.  It seems like my sister in law is dealing with her problems and realizes that she can't help a son who doesn't want to be helped.  What saddens my brother is that the mother of their two kids lost many of the opportunities to bond with her offspring because of problems triggered by her son from her previous marriage.  Since it would be wrong of me to go into any more details right now, I'll have to keep quiet until I'm ready with a way to describe things that does not identify my family in the process.

At least, I expect Thanksgiving to be a calm day, even though I don't know what time I'll arrive at my brother's place.  His wife will be there without her eldest son, and her son will not be pulling the triggers that get in the way of her maintaining her sobriety.

This weekend turned out differently than I would have expected.

Saturday was the second day at the Hudson Valley Trans Forum, and I planned to make it for the one topic I was interested in: Medical Options for Binary/Non-Binary Transition and Health Maintenance, presented by Robbins Gottlock, MD of Phelps Hospital Northwell Health  This is the kind of information that I would need for medical transition, and I figured that I'd attend and develop the kinds of questions I'd need to ask when the time comes.

As usual, I needed the alarm clock to get me up and moving in time to attend the above session - and I arrived just before the day's keynote address was given.  (I may discuss Trans activism in another entry.  But right now, I'm more concerned about what I can do to make my body more feminine.)  The morning breakout session was the event I came for - and the speaker delivered.  Most of his presentation covered the effect of female hormones on Male to Female transgenders.  But he also covered information for the Female to Male transgenders for the smaller population of that category in the audience.  I've filed his name away, as I may want to consult with him in the future. (This assumes that I am not in a relationship that requires me to retain male physical characteristics. If I am with someone like GFJ, I will not go any further with physical transition, as I do not suffer severe dysphoria.)

Once this session broke up, it was lunch time.  I was seated with three people, and was in the middle of an interesting conversation when they started their lunch presentation to announce a new service being provided to Trans folk of color in the Hudson Valley.  As one would expect from ineffective people, they focused more on the name of the collective and none of the specifics of what the collective would do for the people they are supposed to serve.  This reminded me of a group of women that Pat once associated with.  They spent much of their time discussing what to call the group, and then did absolutely nothing together ever again. Sadly, they have identified a group of vulnerable people who need help. But they have made the common leftist mistake of going "Ready, Fire, Aim" when going into battle....

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Later on in the evening, I was the Arts Westchester representative doing a review of this theater and the 3 short plays being performed this weekend.  I wasn't sure of what to expect, nor was I absolutely sure of where the theater was.  Unlike many towns, Ossining's Water Street is not immediately adjacent to the river.  This could mean any of two things: (1) The road once ran down to the river, or (2) the land West of Water Street is made from landfill.  Either way, once I was on Water Street, the GPS led me to the wrong location.  Luckily, I realized that GPS systems don't always provide correct directions, and that I'd have to drive along Water Street to find the theater.

The Westchester Collaborative Theater is a small 50 seat operation sited near the Ossining train station.  To find it, one can not rely on a GPS.  Instead, one has to drive along Water street towards the train station and look for standing signs pointing to a theater building at the end of a short alley.  Luckily, I saw those signs and parked my car about 100 feet away from the alleyway.  Then I went in and was warmly greeted by the staff.  What I wasn't expecting was a small theater packed to capacity with good actors performing 3 very well written plays.  If I had known about this place before, I might have gone to see some of their performances without Arts Westchester's free ticket. Hopefully, I'll get the chance to review another one of their performances.  Until then, I'll be sure to monitor my email for notices from this place, as I'd pay to see things this good in a small setting.

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Sunday was a rainy day.  So I made it a Jammie Day.  Not much to say about it, save that I woke up early enough to go to church and did not do so.  Instead, the comfort of my bed was much more enticing to me.  Recently, I've noted the most important reason for me to go back to work.  No, it's not money (though I could use it).  Instead, it's having a routine that forces me to get up in the morning to do something constructive. And I know that all of the volunteer work I could do won't cut it for me. It's that extra incentive of receiving a paycheck that will help me get up in the mornings, and keep me from having excuses to have more Jammie Days than I really need to have....